A place for my thoughts

Deadwood S.D. to Montana 075 LowResRS-WM

See where your own energy wants to go, not where you think it should go. Do something because it feels right, not because it makes sense. Follow the spiritual impulse.  Mary Hayes-Grieco

I think of a Spiritual Impulse as Self greeting Soul and resonating in harmony with GOD.  Think of a vortex of energy moving gently, with loving purpose, up through the chakras.

Personally, I like the big exhale at the end.

Breakthrough

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This has been a summer of change.  14 states and 6,000 miles on the odometer. We skirted the cities and bypassed the interstates,  spending our time in nature and staying in beautiful locations.  It’s been amazing and I so feel blessed that I could take it all in while also having time and space to be quiet and contemplate.  This has been (and continues to be) a time full of powerful transits and I’ve been powerfully affected by them.  A few have kicked my okole but hey! I’m still standing here in one piece.  I didn’t succumb to the darkness and I haven’t ignored them.  Being willing to listen and then really listening has made me realize that I am becoming more authentic.  I know that loving and accepting all of me has made me more open, loving and accepting of all of you. A meaningful breakthrough has gifted me with some clarity, given me some direction, has allowed forgiveness to further expedite healing of old wounds…. yes !!! and has opened my mind and my heart to another dimension that I am just beginning to experience.  I am breaking into new territory; a place in which the old rules don’t work anymore.  I’m a little scared.  I’ll admit it.  But I am going to continue to follow my na’au, be as centered as I can and to remember to be kind. We’re all on this earth for a purpose.  I’m being led and paying attention to the signs is keeping me on track.

I’ve journaled to record feelings, thoughts, dreams and events.  My camera has been at hand and I’ve taken some great shots.   But what I was really pushed to do was meditate with music and draw.  The images just started coming out and I haven’t been able to stop.  I am able to be in the present without any mind chatter and I come into a wonderful bliss-like state.  Each piece expresses what I am feeling during the period of time I work on it.  While I draw my mind is clear, silent and open to the messages I receive.

I did this particular drawing between July 7 and July 10 at Gros Ventre National Park near Jackson Hole, WY.  The Grand Water Trine was forming (a link to the chart is at the bottom of this page).  On July 7 Saturn was stationed direct.  July 8 was New Moon in Cancer and July 9 saw the Sun and Mercury meet in an inferior conjunction.  I finished on July 10 when Jupiter was in exact trine to my natal Chiron while Saturn was conjunct and Neptune trine it.  There have been many factors at work this summer but the forementioned and these transits (below… with my natal Chiron involved) stood out to me as representative of this point in time.

Transiting Jupiter in strong trine (exact) with natal Chiron

Jul 1, 2013 to Jul 19, 2013, exact Jul 10, 2013.

The planetary energies flow smoothly; the connection is easy and beneficial.

Your religious philosophy and broad intellectual framework are subject to a certain amount of re-examination. Painful experiences in these areas could lead you to a new outlook on life. Also at this time, you may feel a revitalization of the healing awareness within yourself, possibly in connection to the process of work done in connecting to old wounds, received in earlier developmental stages. When we reconnect with repressed and potentially painful feelings that have been buried away in the depths of our psyche we inhabit these rejected parts of ourselves and become more whole. At this time too, you may connect with a higher purpose in the work that you do, especially if this work involves helping people to heal in some way, and to grow in their own understanding of who they really are. You may take up the study of new-age healing techniques during this period, or in other ways inhabit the vision of wholeness and freedom from old pain that you feel emanates from the intuitive clarity provided by your higher self.

Transiting Saturn in strong conjunction with natal Chiron

This transit is strongest (within 2 degrees)

Jun 13, 2013 to Jul 31, 2013.

The strongest blend of the energies represented by these two planets.

Your psyche is subject to a stressful and potentially vitalizing time, as the very structure of your life is subject to painful realizations, leading to great changes in your self-concept. At this time also, difficulties with authority figures may emerge, or your relationship with your father may challenging, or the way you live your life in relation to the structure of society itself may be coming to a point where changes that have been in the works for some time are ready to burst forth into your conscious awareness. There may be old wounds with your father, or with the parental care and discipline you received in early childhood, that re-emerge at this time, hopefully for purposes of healing these issues and the potentially debilitating effects that they may have on your life. At this time also, the self-concept that you have had up to now may be changing, leading to a renewed sense of your own healing potential. Through a slow concentrated effort you may begin to connect with a higher purpose in the work that you do at this time, especially if this work involves helping people to heal in some way, and to grow in their own understanding of who they really are.

Transiting Neptune in strong trine with natal Chiron

from Jun 25, 2013 to Mar 1, 2014, exact Sep 20, 2013 R, Jan 2, 2014

The planetary energies flow smoothly; the connection is easy and beneficial.

This can be a time of great change and positive results for you. What is affected that part of yourself that is a dissolver of old structures, for the purpose of making way for some hitherto unseen aspect of yourself to emerge, and you are likely to undergo a transformation of your spiritual values at this time. You may experience a degree of tension between an old and outmoded way of being and a new vision of what could be possible. The shadow side is disappointment with yourself, for not being further along on the path you envision, and there could be confusion about what you truly want at this time. But the joy of this spiritual journey of discovery comes from making peace with yourself and beginning to fulfill your dreams. The gap between the ideal and the merely real, although wide, could become much closer for you at this time. Something new, deep inside you, is coming into birth, and you are learning how to hang out with the uncertainty of it all. The world as it presents itself to you during this period is not so pat and simple as it seemed. There are angels in the woodwork calling out for you to listen with your inner senses. You are dreaming a new realization into being for yourself, ultimately a new world, since the world is really what we are dreaming into being with each new moment. If you dream wisely at this time, you can make a difference, for yourself, and for others around you as well.

Sunrise Chart for Jackson Hole, WY July 7, 2013

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A Perfect Day

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There is no need to go to India or anywhere else to find peace. You will find that deep place of silence right in your room, your garden or even your bathtub.  ~ Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

I like where I am physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally today.  My mind is quiet, my thoughts are clear.  The desert is beautiful and today I’m enjoying it one moment at a time.  To feel so at peace is special.  I have no worries. I couldn’t ask for anything more.  Today I am blessed.

Surrender to Win

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When we surrender to God, we surrender to something bigger than ourselves – to a universe that knows what it’s doing. When we stop trying to control events they fall into a natural order, an order that works. We’re at rest while a power much greater than our own takes over, and it does a much better job than we cold have done. We learn to trust that the power that holds galaxies together can handle the circumstance of our relatively little lives.  ~ Marianne Williamson

Reminder to Me:

When I start to look at the Big Picture and, once again, realize I am unable to even comprehend how Big the Picture really is,  I have to acknowledge the fact that my life and it’s circumstance are microscopic in comparison.  I have imposed my will inappropriately many times over many years and it has brought me nothing but trouble. I now know I have a better chance if I let GOD sort things out.  When my EGO  wants to run the show and I begin to think in terms of orchestration and control I am now able to recognize it sooner and, if I’m smart,  I immediately surrender to win.    

I let it go.  I give it away with Love and trust the outcome.

The Creator of the Universe, who has ordered the stars and the heavens and the earth, has a plan for your life. You are not a random act. You are not here by chance, but by design. You are destined for greatness that begins with your believing in your own destiny.
Mary Manin MorrisseyRoses 2-14-13

G.O.D. ~
Allow me to accept
Other people’s families, fears
Delusions, denials and insecurities
As belonging to them.  Not me.

Let me recognize
How my thoughts and actions affect my relationships.
If they are healthy then please let me nurture them.
But if they’re toxic allow them immediate release.

Please balance me with Love
While I continue this journey
Forward, in health and wholeness.
Amen.

“I Didn’t Cause It, I Can’t Control It, I Can’t Cure It”

The 3 C’s of Alanon

It’s about jails, institutions and death.  It’s about pain and heartache and loneliness and anger and fear and resentment, to name a few.  It’s disrupting and heartbreaking and disgusting.  It’s the blackouts, the hangovers, the shakes and seizures and wondering what you did.  It’s the hell  you’re going through right now.  It consists of me saying I can’t do anything for you unless you’re ready to help yourself.  I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it and I can’t cure it.  I have compassion for what you’re going through but I cannot fix you.  Only you can make the decision to get on the road to recovery.  I pray you have a moment of clarity.  I don’t want to see you to die.  The ball is in your court. I hope you choose to play.

Enough To Need

This is what my E.G.O. needed to hear today; a confirmation to to be vigilant, to move along with Growth/Change and keep my thoughts of G.O.D positive and directed to the forefront.  It’s all about Love… of self and others.  I want to impact the lives of those around me for the better.  Revelations keep coming.  Right now they seem to be carrying quite a “jolt” as they try to settle in and can be a bit upsetting.  I’ve been consciously breathing and trying to keep my mind from taking control and distorting the facts.  I need to remember not to react adversely while sorting this all out.   If I begin to think I finally have Life under my control I’d make poor choices (again), act out in a passive-aggressive manner (again) and just generally upset the old apple cart (again). Then I am nothing more than a selfish, EGOtistical waste of my time and energy because I know better now.  There are no excuses.  The bottom line is I wouldn’t stop these Processes even if I could. They’re moving me closer to my destiny.

ENOUGH TO NEED

Dear GOD,
Never allow me to think that I have
Knowledge enough to need no teaching,
Wisdom enough to need no corrections,
Talents enough to need no grace,
Goodness enough to need no progress,
Humility enough to need no repentance,
Devotion enough to need no improvement,
Strength sufficient with Thy Spirit lest, standing still,
I fall back forevermore.

From the 12th Step Prayer Book, Prayer #26

 

Portia Nelson wrote a poem I wanted to share.  It pretty much describes my struggle with alcohol; the pitfalls and anguish I experienced as I repeatedly relapsed and HOW, when I became Honesty Open-minded and Willing with myself and others, Life started moving in the right direction. Today I’m walking down a different street on a great course.  G.O.D. has worked miracles in my life. Today I know freedom from bondage to a bottle  and for that am extremely grateful.

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.”
― Portia NelsonThere’s a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery

 

Whatever route others take to reach their personal nirvana is okay with me as long as they don’t try to drag me off my path.  I’m to the point where I can’t fight the obvious and obvious to me is that I need to keep on in the direction that feels right.  Many times over the past fifty-plus years I’ve wandered off course only to struggle, sometimes tremendously, to get back on track. I’ve wasted many moments and I’d like to spend the rest of my time on this planet being happily me. I want to be peaceful, loving and kind.  Above all, though, I want to stay free of that demon in a bottle; the greatest waste of my life.

Recently I’ve been contemplating my path; where I’ve been, where I am and where I’m headed.  It’s such a good feeling to instinctively know I’m moving along in a positive direction.  It’s certainly not free of bumps, this path.  Sometimes it even feels like a corduroy road but not at all as often as it used to.  The ride recently has been pretty smooth but a breeze is starting to blow in, trying its best to stir up some clouds and put a few puddles on my path.  I don’t think it’s going to storm but I’m keeping my eye on the horizon.

Transiting Uranus trine natal Saturn ~ The planetary energies flow smoothly; the connection is easy and beneficial.
This is a stressful time of great internal pressure upon the existing structure of your daily life, as unusually vivid insights or perhaps unexpected events threaten security and your feeling of status quo. You can usually deal well with the challenges you experience at this time, which tend to be productive of new awareness, rather than dilemmas impossible to solve. It can be a time of tremendous creativity in fact, as you incorporate new ideas into your existing system of values and possibly shed some outworn limitations overly restricting your behavior.  

 

I want to wish each and every one of you a fantastic New Year.  I  am really, really, really looking forward to what this year has to offer to each and every one of us in our Universe and to the unfolding of events in this time in space.

I’m on a good, pretty even keel.  The holidays came and went without any drama, family trauma, co-dependence or guilt.  It’s 2013 and we’re all still here, although the climate has changed.  There has been a shift in awareness with information coming through much more freely and what I consider incoming doesn’t involve “DUCK FOR COVER !!!”  This incoming is gentle and loving, opening my awareness and sharpening my senses.  Old ways are dissolving while at the same time something so totally new emerges.  It’s almost magical the way it is starting to softly cover the rough edges.  My seeking, soul-searching and looking for signs of what’s coming next (i.e. “heads up”) continues with great interest on my part.  I started to write about the experiences I had in my alcoholic, co-dependent and dysfunctional marriages.  After 4 agonizing days and 2,000 words I put a halt to it.  I dredged up memories and went backwards to where I don’t want to go right now.  It’s said that time heals*, after all, and those particular past issues** have almost been dealt with.  Almost is the key word here.  I know I need to look again but found myself starting to stare.  I will finish it but need to do so with all honesty so, for the moment, that story is on hold.

I’m “lightening my load” right now.  It’s a process, this cleaning up and cleaning out.  I used to spend a lot of time in thrift shops and at garage sales and made some money selling bits and pieces of vintage and antique items.  Trouble is I kept stuff and it added to the stuff I already had accumulated.  Then I acquired more stuff when my dad died and we cleaned 55 years out of his house.  That’s a lot of “stuff”.  It’s similar to what I’ve done in my life; just packing one experience, emotion or thought away and then stacking more on top without looking at what is underneath.  Pretty soon it’s stacked so high I forget what’s down there.  So anyway….  I came across a box of my old journals in the back of my closet.  (Stacked under…  of course.)  They go back to the late 70’s.  I randomly started reading something I’d written in 2004 and finally had to stop just to digest the whole experience.  At that time I was starting to question certain aspects and beliefs in my life.  To have this reference point and to be able to see where I am now is really rather amazing.  Thank GOD for faith.  That’s what got me here.  My emotional load has balanced out along the way as I’ve dumped old views, thoughts and feelings.  I’ve learned to know that when The Committee goes into session it’s time to sit, breathe, center and focus on being still.  I’m being attentive and going with each new realization and revelation I receive.  I know deep down that it wouldn’t  be wise to ignore them.  I’ve spent years not listening to what I knew was right.  NOW is my time.  Being propelled towards a New Me is one of the most exciting things I have ever experienced.

* Transitting Mercury Square Chiron ,  **Chiron Square Natal Sun

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Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world all at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach. Any small, calm thing that one soul can do to help another soul, to assist some portion of this poor suffering world, will help immensely. It is not given to us to know which acts or by whom, will cause the critical mass to tip toward an enduring good. What is needed for dramatic change is an accumulation of acts, adding, adding to, adding more, continuing. We know that it does not take “everyone on Earth” to bring justice and peace, but only a small, determined group who will not give up during the first, second, or hundredth gale.
Clarissa Pinkola Estes

We are living in a time when life is moving so rapidly that we can’t afford to cling to old rocks. There is far greater wisdom (and joy) in opening to the adventure and making a game of flowing with the stream. It really is quite a beautiful ride. Sometimes it seems that life is not working, but it is. The universe is intelligent, and our game is to remember that perfection is always unfolding, even when we do not see it in a cloudy moment.  ~ Alan Cohen

I want to continue to explore, expand my horizons.  There are so many fascinating subjects to research and an abundance of life to experience.  I don’t want to cling to a rock until my dying day.  I’m enjoying my adventure and am finally able to see it for what it is; for what it has always been.  I’m recognizing the lessons and learning.  I’m learning that everyone I come in contact with has something to teach me and I am grateful for that opportunity.  Sometimes I instantly recognize the significance of the message and other times the lesson isn’t immediately clear.  Sooner or later (and it’s sooner and sooner now) it appears and I am able to acknowledge it.

Life is moving at an amazing speed at this point in time and I know I’m not the only one who feels it.  It’s not frantic or stressed out.  It’s more like the information highway from the cosmos.  I am receptive and am having revelations right and left, out of the blue. Many people are, it seems.  Are you ?  I’m also witnessing more kindness.  Yesterday I pulled up to the drive through window at Starbuck’s with money in hand and found that the unknown person in the truck ahead of me paid had my tab.  I was so overwhelmed by that simple act of kindness… paying it forward (backwards!)  It’s another reminder that helps keep my faith in humankind alive.  I know it was a direct message to me to be more giving, loving and kind.

Time is unfolding, more is being revealed and I gratefully await to see what it brings.

.

The Edge

(Chiron Trine Natal Chiron*)

I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over.  Out on the edge you see all the kinds of things you can’t see from the center. ~ Kurt Vonnegut

NASA Photo http://saturn.jpl.nasa.gov/multimedia/images/saturn/images/IMG002314.jpg

I wish I could come up with a brilliant quote like this one.  It rings true to me and aptly explains how I feel.  I’m able to imagine how it would be to stand on the edge of one of Saturn’s rings and absorb the wonders of The Universe.  Although I can only envision the sights I would take in I’m just grateful I have my imagination and a link to the NASA website.

I’m at a point in my life where I want to go to the edge.  My mind is open and my curiosity strong.  I spent too many years in the center; playing it safe, being a chameleon, giving lip service and being controlled by one person or another. Having had guilt very frequently served to me on a silver platter I paid for it dearly in dis-ease.  Now I’m continuing my education in this University of Life.  I get to choose my courses and I am truly happy, enjoying this time in my life.

When I talk about going to the edge I’m not referring to out of control as in ” OMG she went over the edge this time”.  I’m talking getting to my edge, my “jumping off” place.  It’s about walking past old fears and old habits, which means being open to new ideas, different thoughts, spiritual growth, psychic impressions, people of like mind, insights and listening to my dreams, to name a few.  It means I can have my own GOD/Saviour, with whom I am at ease, and know that Love is always with me, that GOD is always in me.  I want to learn much more about things that resonate to and with me. Going to the edge  also means I can be myself, speak my truths; have my own opinions without fearing reproach and it means I can stay in my pajamas until 2:00 without any guilt.  In turn, it lets other people live their lives without my judgement upon them, their beliefs and opinions.  We all need to make our own mistakes.

My view is much clearer view since I started this journey.  I am becoming my authentic self  while I quietly mature.  Better late than never.  I realize I am holding much more  tolerance , understanding and compassion,  as well as holding my tongue.  Nothing much surprises me anymore.  I like getting to my edge, jumping off and finding there’s something even better waiting for me, purer and more refined, when I land.

*Transiting Chiron in trine with natal Chiron ~ The planetary energies flow smoothly; the connection is easy and beneficial. 

You are likely to be going through a period of transition. You are in the process of getting in touch with yourself, and this can be extremely rewarding as well as a necessary part of your evolution. This could be a time when strange events force upon you an intimation of other worlds, a broader perspective than that of ordinary reality, perhaps a taste of the transpersonal world of shamanism and magic. It also may be a time for re-examination of some painful issues that could be part of your make-up and possibly have been holding you back until now. Usually some issues from early childhood that were too painful to deal with in their era, and that have become repressed and remain lodged in your unconscious, come up during this period of time, perhaps brought on by recent events. Long repressed feelings may be difficult and painful to deal with, but there is a rich reward for getting in touch with these walled-off areas in order to become more whole. You can achieve a much greater degree of self-acceptance and ease once you have made the dark journey of discovery to find what lies within that space. (TimePassages www.astrograph.com)

Dwell not on the past. Use it to illustrate a point, then leave it behind. Nothing really matters except what you do now in this instant of time. From this moment onwards you can be an entirely different person, filled with love and understanding, ready with an outstretched hand, uplifted and positive in every thought and deed.  ~  Eileen Caddy

Some of my helpers.....

I like to take a good look at my past on occasion in order to gauge how far I have progressed.  Staring or dwelling upon it for any reason other than gleaning it’s lessons does not work for me.  I do not need to fall into a “could have, would have, should have” condition.  That’s a short road to a long depression if I decide to go there.  As long as I do  the next right thing now and keep love and kindness close to my heart I continue to evolve.  Developing into who I am at this moment in time has been slow but steady.  My mind, as well as my horizon, has expanded, becoming open and accepting of almost everything put in my path.  Negativity, dark thoughts and unbecoming action are quietly being left in the dust of the past and I continue to move forward.  The rest of this life is stretched before me like a canvas; waiting for me to pick up my brush.  I hope to create my masterpiece.

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