Dancing Through Darkness ~ Chiron Square Natal Sun

“Healing is not forcing the sun to shine, but letting go of that which blocks the light.” S. Levine.

Chiron is dancing around in several areas of my chart at this moment in time.  He’s square my natal sun and fading now but he’s still potent enough.  I wrote a little about this transit (see the interpretation below) in February and here we are back on topic.  I’d like to ignore this but in all honestly I can’t, especially as it has been brought to my attention in a big way.  I’m changing and part of this change is dealing with those areas of my life that have caused me grief for as long as I can remember.  Situations that have gone on for years and years are being dealt with.  I’m looking at them and putting them to bed.  I’m confirming that I do have my own fish to fry.

As a child I was not encouraged to think or speak freely.  I learned to keep my thoughts to myself.  I became very self-conscious and walked on a lot of egg shells.  I learned to listen to their “messages” and to conform to the situation I was in.  My motto could have been “Don’t rock the boat and keep your guard up”.  Those messages helped form the fear base on which I perched for years.   It was easier to adapt to what “they” wanted me to be because although I wasn’t up to “their” expectations I could do a pretty good job faking it.  And I, being the good daughter, sister, wife who had it hammered into her said to myself “As long as I can juggle and keep “them” happy I guess this is how the game is played so I’ll go along and be what you want if it keeps you off my back”.  Well, not any more.   I juggled way too long and gambled on the game.  I should have called time out a million times.  I might have avoided some of those pitfalls.  The time has finally come, though.  The game is over and I’m ready for some real life, my way.  For the past few weeks I’ve been walking the cobblestones of my mind nightly, cleaning cobwebs and facing old phantoms.  It is an interesting journey full of surprises.  Per Van Morrison:  “Down those old ancient streets, Down those old ancient roads………….Till we get the healing done, Till we get the healing done”.

Astrology has been a wonderful tool for helping me put so much in perspective.  I sometimes think if only I’d given more attention to the stars earlier in life things might have been different.  My belief that everything happens in its own time comes into play here though because I do know GOD had different plans for me.  NOW is My Time and it’s up to me to get the work finished.  It’s exciting !

Transiting Chiron square natal Sun
During this period of time you are going through a potentially painful process of examining and re-aligning your self-concept, possibly as a result of old wounds coming up for you. Early childhood episodes that in some way were damaging to your self-concept may come back to haunt you. It may also be that fresh experiences bring these issues to the fore, issues which could be related to your father or another significant mentor figure from your past. These figures can be an important part of our ego structure as we go through life. The reason such painful issues are reemerging into consciousness is for the purpose of healing these issues, and finally moving beyond them. You may find when you have gone through this process that you feel yourself coming into a broader view of your existence. It may even be that some of your ego needs are no longer quite so acute as before. There is a way in which ego serves the soul’s evolution and a way in which it just seems to get lodged like a boulder in the path of progress. Changes that strip away some facets of your ego may be good for you in the long run and serve to strengthen your true inner self-confidence, as a more well-rounded view of your life as a whole is revealed to you.

My gratitude goes out to those friends who have stuck with me without judgment and who have helped me, pushing and pulling at times, on my move forward.  I love you all.

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What’s Dominating Your Destiny ?

Once you exercise fear and make it your practice, once you try resentment and make it your habit, once you employ aggression and make it routine, those actions will dominate your destiny. No matter how painfully you’ve been wronged, stand in love in the midst of a huge temptation to be vengeful, prideful or hold back. The real nature of love is that the person you think has betrayed you the most is actually an agent of the divine offering you the opportunity for grace.  ~ Mary Manin Morrissey

From firsthand experience I can only concur with what Mary Manin Morrissey is saying.  I’ll guarantee that by feeding and watering these “seeds of pain” they’ll grow quickly and become a part of your daily life.  (If you’re an active alcoholic you can even get an extra helping of Hurt that will go along nicely with your always increasing irritability and discontent).  Fertilize with plenty of Drama and just see how soul-sick you can become.  Those “seeds” will develop into a very healthy, extremely strong and toxic vine and it will work slowly on strangling its host, Your Spirit.  With a warped perspective, bad choices are made on a daily basis and you dig in deeper.  The people, places and things that are causing your discomfort aren’t going to go away unless you let them go; sent away with love, no conditions attached.

There is a paragraph in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous that reads “If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don’t really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don’t mean it, go ahead and do it  anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love.”   This seemed easy enough to me and I liked the part about even if you don’t want if for them or mean it,  because I didn’t.   I knew I had to start somewhere so I started out praying “GOD, bless the son of a bitch”.   Every day I prayed and slowly it changed.  After a couple of weeks my prayer had progressed and came to me in love.  It was softer, gentler and forgiving.   I realized I truly meant what I was saying; that it felt good.  I’d had a change.  I was freed from that resentment and allowed the 180 degree turn from darkness to light.   By the grace of GOD I was given a new outlook on the situation, realizing how much easier it is to approach a problem in love.

I haven’t by any means gotten this down to an exact science but I’m getting better at it.  There are days when I repeat the words “tranquility and serenity” over and over in my mind to keep these feelings away.  I’ve also prayed for many other “sons and daughters of bitches” since that day and I may have to pray it again.  Who know where my mind will try to take me if I get on the bus with it again.   I have to keep focused on the good and stay off the bad.  All  is well even when the boat starts to rock if I pause and think before I react.

Today I am aware of my connection to the Universe and I am more at peace with myself and others.  I’ll gladly take that over living in my mind while attaching negative emotions to negative thoughts, in turn creating inner turmoil and drama.  Life has taken a great turn and GOD continues to bless me beyond my wildest dreams.

photo:  http://www.csindy.com

Attitude is Everything

I believe the single most significant decision I can make on a day-to-day basis is my choice of attitude. It is more important than my past, my education, my bankroll, my successes or failures, fame or pain, what other people think of me or say about me, my circumstances, or my position. Attitude is that “single string” that keeps me going or cripples my progress. It alone fuels my fire or assaults my hope. When my attitudes are right, there’s no barrier too high, no valley too deep, no dream too extreme, no challenge too great for me.  ~ Charles R. Swindoll

My attitude is healthy most of the time.  When it’s not well it kills my spirit and my progress.  It’s a guarantee that I’ll turn into a screaming banshee when my attitude is on the rocks.   I can become cocky, defensive, angry, fearful, a know-it-all, disagreeable, impolite, dissatisfied, surly or sullen.  I can play the passive aggressive game, the hard hearted game or rant and rave.  There are dozens of ways I can manifest that Bad Attitude and itwill always cripple me until I get a grip on it and change direction.

One thing I’ve learned is when I am not in good spiritual condition I tend to get a case of Bad Attitude.  It may not happen right away but it will crop up sooner than later.  This usually starts when I’m Too Busy to spend a few minutes with my GOD in morning meditation, prayer or reflection.  After a few days of Too Busy I will neglect my quiet time for a while longer; usually just long enough to get into a lovely upheaval of emotional pain.   I may start blaming other people or other things for my imbalance.  The mayhem I’ve created can only be cured by affirmative action on my part and only I have the power to choose when this cure starts.  Since I can recognize, as well as feel, the lousy position I’ve put myself in I am able to make the choice to change, start doing what I MUST and be back on track as quickly as possible.  If I have a bad case of Self Will (another topic for a post) it might take a little longer but I’ll get there.  When I’ve harmed someone with my unhealthy behavior then my actions need to be addressed and apologies are in order.   If I’ve only beat myself up I find it worthwhile to make those amends to me.

When I stand in love, have faith in the process and know that all is exactly the way it should be at this moment, as well as keeping a conscious contact with my GOD I am able to live in a Good Attitude.  Everything is calmer and I become comfortable with life again.  Time is so precious and life is so short that it’s a shame to waste any of it cultivating a Bad Attitude.   If you’re struggling with your attitude I humbly suggest you look for the moves you need to take to turn it around.  It’s so much easier to live, to just be, with a Good Attitude anda softer heart.