A place for my thoughts

Archive for December, 2012

A Move Towards An Enduring Good

globe

Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world all at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach. Any small, calm thing that one soul can do to help another soul, to assist some portion of this poor suffering world, will help immensely. It is not given to us to know which acts or by whom, will cause the critical mass to tip toward an enduring good. What is needed for dramatic change is an accumulation of acts, adding, adding to, adding more, continuing. We know that it does not take “everyone on Earth” to bring justice and peace, but only a small, determined group who will not give up during the first, second, or hundredth gale.
Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Quite A Beautiful Ride

We are living in a time when life is moving so rapidly that we can’t afford to cling to old rocks. There is far greater wisdom (and joy) in opening to the adventure and making a game of flowing with the stream. It really is quite a beautiful ride. Sometimes it seems that life is not working, but it is. The universe is intelligent, and our game is to remember that perfection is always unfolding, even when we do not see it in a cloudy moment.  ~ Alan Cohen

I want to continue to explore, expand my horizons.  There are so many fascinating subjects to research and an abundance of life to experience.  I don’t want to cling to a rock until my dying day.  I’m enjoying my adventure and am finally able to see it for what it is; for what it has always been.  I’m recognizing the lessons and learning.  I’m learning that everyone I come in contact with has something to teach me and I am grateful for that opportunity.  Sometimes I instantly recognize the significance of the message and other times the lesson isn’t immediately clear.  Sooner or later (and it’s sooner and sooner now) it appears and I am able to acknowledge it.

Life is moving at an amazing speed at this point in time and I know I’m not the only one who feels it.  It’s not frantic or stressed out.  It’s more like the information highway from the cosmos.  I am receptive and am having revelations right and left, out of the blue. Many people are, it seems.  Are you ?  I’m also witnessing more kindness.  Yesterday I pulled up to the drive through window at Starbuck’s with money in hand and found that the unknown person in the truck ahead of me paid had my tab.  I was so overwhelmed by that simple act of kindness… paying it forward (backwards!)  It’s another reminder that helps keep my faith in humankind alive.  I know it was a direct message to me to be more giving, loving and kind.

Time is unfolding, more is being revealed and I gratefully await to see what it brings.

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The Edge

(Chiron Trine Natal Chiron*)

I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over.  Out on the edge you see all the kinds of things you can’t see from the center. ~ Kurt Vonnegut

NASA Photo http://saturn.jpl.nasa.gov/multimedia/images/saturn/images/IMG002314.jpg

I wish I could come up with a brilliant quote like this one.  It rings true to me and aptly explains how I feel.  I’m able to imagine how it would be to stand on the edge of one of Saturn’s rings and absorb the wonders of The Universe.  Although I can only envision the sights I would take in I’m just grateful I have my imagination and a link to the NASA website.

I’m at a point in my life where I want to go to the edge.  My mind is open and my curiosity strong.  I spent too many years in the center; playing it safe, being a chameleon, giving lip service and being controlled by one person or another. Having had guilt very frequently served to me on a silver platter I paid for it dearly in dis-ease.  Now I’m continuing my education in this University of Life.  I get to choose my courses and I am truly happy, enjoying this time in my life.

When I talk about going to the edge I’m not referring to out of control as in ” OMG she went over the edge this time”.  I’m talking getting to my edge, my “jumping off” place.  It’s about walking past old fears and old habits, which means being open to new ideas, different thoughts, spiritual growth, psychic impressions, people of like mind, insights and listening to my dreams, to name a few.  It means I can have my own GOD/Saviour, with whom I am at ease, and know that Love is always with me, that GOD is always in me.  I want to learn much more about things that resonate to and with me. Going to the edge  also means I can be myself, speak my truths; have my own opinions without fearing reproach and it means I can stay in my pajamas until 2:00 without any guilt.  In turn, it lets other people live their lives without my judgement upon them, their beliefs and opinions.  We all need to make our own mistakes.

My view is much clearer view since I started this journey.  I am becoming my authentic self  while I quietly mature.  Better late than never.  I realize I am holding much more  tolerance , understanding and compassion,  as well as holding my tongue.  Nothing much surprises me anymore.  I like getting to my edge, jumping off and finding there’s something even better waiting for me, purer and more refined, when I land.

*Transiting Chiron in trine with natal Chiron ~ The planetary energies flow smoothly; the connection is easy and beneficial. 

You are likely to be going through a period of transition. You are in the process of getting in touch with yourself, and this can be extremely rewarding as well as a necessary part of your evolution. This could be a time when strange events force upon you an intimation of other worlds, a broader perspective than that of ordinary reality, perhaps a taste of the transpersonal world of shamanism and magic. It also may be a time for re-examination of some painful issues that could be part of your make-up and possibly have been holding you back until now. Usually some issues from early childhood that were too painful to deal with in their era, and that have become repressed and remain lodged in your unconscious, come up during this period of time, perhaps brought on by recent events. Long repressed feelings may be difficult and painful to deal with, but there is a rich reward for getting in touch with these walled-off areas in order to become more whole. You can achieve a much greater degree of self-acceptance and ease once you have made the dark journey of discovery to find what lies within that space. (TimePassages www.astrograph.com)

Getting “Past” Gone

Dwell not on the past. Use it to illustrate a point, then leave it behind. Nothing really matters except what you do now in this instant of time. From this moment onwards you can be an entirely different person, filled with love and understanding, ready with an outstretched hand, uplifted and positive in every thought and deed.  ~  Eileen Caddy

Some of my helpers.....

I like to take a good look at my past on occasion in order to gauge how far I have progressed.  Staring or dwelling upon it for any reason other than gleaning it’s lessons does not work for me.  I do not need to fall into a “could have, would have, should have” condition.  That’s a short road to a long depression if I decide to go there.  As long as I do  the next right thing now and keep love and kindness close to my heart I continue to evolve.  Developing into who I am at this moment in time has been slow but steady.  My mind, as well as my horizon, has expanded, becoming open and accepting of almost everything put in my path.  Negativity, dark thoughts and unbecoming action are quietly being left in the dust of the past and I continue to move forward.  The rest of this life is stretched before me like a canvas; waiting for me to pick up my brush.  I hope to create my masterpiece.

More Growth, More Changes

Another wave of change has been occurring within me at an astonishing rate.  I realize that I am listening to a different drummer this time and that I shouldn’t ignore its presence. It’s not just Self speaking.  It resonates very clearly; asking me to listen and visualize and sort through all that emerges from the depths of my being. I’ve learned to follow the silent voice of inner awareness that urges me forward in the processes that are taking place in my life.   It has made itself present to me and I can’t, nor do I want, to ignore it.  I’m being pushed and pulled and molded into someone who is becoming more comfortable in her skin. I am comfortably uneasy with this process that sometimes makes me want to squirm and hide my head in the sand.  But unless I stop, listen and fully move through whatever is obstructing me I will remain stagnant.  Issues of control, issues of independence, some pain associated with old behaviors and my belief systems are being affected.  I am also driven to write and it feels good to let it out.  I want to be aware and watchful as well as honest and open-minded as I continue to peel the layers, process the information, learn the lessons and continue my journey of growth and change.

Transiting Chiron in Strong Sextile with Natal Mars:  The planetary energies flow together, open into new possibilities, new connections. Issues of outer-directed activity are emphasized for you at this time. There may be a degree of pain associated with realizations around the areas of how you assert yourself with other people and what exactly is your place in the world of activity and outward drive and ambition. You may feel that unconscious drives are more powerful than your overt conscious motivations at this time. You have a powerful urge to create during this period, and you need to get in touch with how to use this energy and what it is that you want to accomplish. You may experience frustration in trying to go your own route, independent of what consensus reality surrounding you may dictate. Old wounds in the area of self-assertion and how you make your way in the world may also come up at this time as you try to find your true path. It is only by going deep within yourself and trusting the intelligence of your own inner awareness that you can make a movement toward healing these issues and enter a new birth of understanding and trust in your own process.  (TimePassages)

Courage to Be

“It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are.”   e. e. Cummings

08StrengthSPI

The moment  I read this quote a part of me thought  “No.  I can’t write about courage.  I don’t have it in me.”  That’s how my  mind works against me.  I almost bought into it but caught myself.  I am going to write about it because I have fought hard to attain the courage to do this.

Courage is “the ability to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation. Physical courage is courage in the face of physical pain, hardship, death, or threat of death, while moral courage is the ability to act rightly in the face of popular opposition, shame, scandal, or discouragement.  In some traditions, fortitude holds approximately the same meaning as courage.  (Wikipedia)

Albert Einstein’s definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

My last active insanity session came during a time in my life when I couldn’t cope with the reality of a situation over which I felt I had no control.  I thought it would go away and when it didn’t I went into denial and then into dis-ease.  It was like a living nightmare.  In dis-ease I become another person; dark and depressed.  I came to every morning and went to work; grimly facing the day with a pair of dark glasses and constant anxiety.  Towards the end I had to have a drink before I got to work.  At the end I drove almost 20 miles in a blackout on the wrong side of a two lane road with two police cars following me.  I didn’t see them.  It is said there are three ends for an alcoholic:  jail, institutions or death.  That final spiral downwards, and I don’t use the word final loosely, took me to places I never want to visit again and it’s only by G.O.D.’s grace I haven’t died.

When I came out of my fog I had several years of guilt, anger, fear, anxiety and shame to run through the shredder.  I was overwhelmed by my emotions.  Thank G.O.D. that my friends were there for me. I couldn’t have done it without their encouragement, love and (sometimes not so) gentle pushes.  Once on the road to freedom I had to learn to live with myself.  I had to forgive myself and all those “others”.  I had to learn to love myself and I had to learn how to love/live life as a responsible adult.  That was a big mouthful to swallow but the work I did, and still do, has rewarded me.

In the beginning I was terribly uncomfortable when I had to go “out in the world”.   I was very unsure of myself and my self-esteem was at rock bottom.  I had embarrassed myself beyond beyond.  I thought that everyone in town was talking about me and it made me crazy.  I couldn’t do what I wanted to do to alleviate the pain and thus the work, the research, the prayer and meditation began in earnest. Slowly it became easier  and my anxieties calmed down.  I realized that what other people thought of me was none of my business.  I found myself having the courage to go places, like the local market and post office, where I would inevitably run into someone looking at me as a juicy bit of gossip.  I found the courage to look back, smile and say “I couldn’t be better” when asked (and yes, many times, asked in a condescending manner) how I was.  My family saw changes and welcomed me “back”.   The guilt and shame slowly left.  I began to recognize my assets while removing the liabilities.  Today I have the courage to express my feeling and emotions, views and thoughts and can get usually get them up and out before they tear me up. I still have problems holding on sometimes.  I have the courage to post these blogs.  This is one of the more courageous thing I’ve ever done, and I do it with hopes it helps someone else at some time.  For some reason, it helps me.  It feels damn good having the courage to just be.

Image:  Strength VIII – Kay Steventon’s Spiral Tarot

 

Waves of Alignment with Higher Gaia

It’s time to get into the water !

GaiaPortal

Waves of alignment with Higher Gaia currently flow through all Earth inhabitants. Degree of Consciousness matters not. All experience these waves.

Allowing the flow is paramount. Accepting within the wave energy is desired.

Freedom within has come. Some know this. Some do not. Yet all benefit.

Freedom at all levels is soon to be experienced.

Boards fully waxed. Surfing is in order.

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We Are Not Alone

We are being led. We are not alone. Our Higher Power is working Its finest and best to bring true change in us. Others have traveled this road too. We will be led to someone who can help us, someone who can provide the markers we need. We are being prepared for receiving as much joy and love as our heart can hold. ~ Melody Beattie

August 6 - 9, 2010 022 ps

There have been many times in my life where I have felt trapped, alone or abandoned with nowhere to turn and nowhere to hide. It’s impossible to hide from yourself unless you are anesthetized and out cold. And that is only temporary. Once the lights come on it only gets worse. This is not a speculation on my part. It’s the truth as I learned it. It’s a different story today. I am not in my disease and I have spent, and still spend a lot of time recovering from it in one way or another. I accept that I am the sum of all my experiences, good and bad.

I remember in order to forget, in order to move through those cobwebs that would like to cling to my being like sticky little bits of cotton candy. I could stop and wallow in some of those old patterns and pities. I could bow to low self-esteem and self hate. Maybe I could twist up some resentments and anger. Or how about jealousy and rage, lies and deceit ? Oh ! I forgot drama. Lots of drama. Yeah ? I don’t think so. I could but I won’t. I’ve grown and changed over the years and that behavior isn’t in my life any longer. It tries to slip sneakily in. But I need to remember what it was like, not to become too comfortable and let my guard slip.

Remembering where the Past has taken me brings me to the Present and the gifts I receive daily. Waking Up (not Coming To), watching the sunrise from my lanai, having time to just be or create, my beautiful children and grandchildren, other family and friends, fantastic times with the man I love, working in my garden, traveling to places I never imagined, living in beauty by the ocean and being at relative peace with myself and others are just some of the gifts only a truly magnificent G.O.D. could give me. I felt, at a time passed, that I was undeserving of such gifts. Today I can smile and say “Thank You” while I accept these Blessings from Above.

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