A place for my thoughts

Archive for January, 2013

Walking Down A New Street

Portia Nelson wrote a poem I wanted to share.  It pretty much describes my struggle with alcohol; the pitfalls and anguish I experienced as I repeatedly relapsed and HOW, when I became Honesty Open-minded and Willing with myself and others, Life started moving in the right direction. Today I’m walking down a different street on a great course.  G.O.D. has worked miracles in my life. Today I know freedom from bondage to a bottle  and for that am extremely grateful.

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.”
― Portia NelsonThere’s a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery

 

A Positive Direction

Whatever route others take to reach their personal nirvana is okay with me as long as they don’t try to drag me off my path.  I’m to the point where I can’t fight the obvious and obvious to me is that I need to keep on in the direction that feels right.  Many times over the past fifty-plus years I’ve wandered off course only to struggle, sometimes tremendously, to get back on track. I’ve wasted many moments and I’d like to spend the rest of my time on this planet being happily me. I want to be peaceful, loving and kind.  Above all, though, I want to stay free of that demon in a bottle; the greatest waste of my life.

Recently I’ve been contemplating my path; where I’ve been, where I am and where I’m headed.  It’s such a good feeling to instinctively know I’m moving along in a positive direction.  It’s certainly not free of bumps, this path.  Sometimes it even feels like a corduroy road but not at all as often as it used to.  The ride recently has been pretty smooth but a breeze is starting to blow in, trying its best to stir up some clouds and put a few puddles on my path.  I don’t think it’s going to storm but I’m keeping my eye on the horizon.

Transiting Uranus trine natal Saturn ~ The planetary energies flow smoothly; the connection is easy and beneficial.
This is a stressful time of great internal pressure upon the existing structure of your daily life, as unusually vivid insights or perhaps unexpected events threaten security and your feeling of status quo. You can usually deal well with the challenges you experience at this time, which tend to be productive of new awareness, rather than dilemmas impossible to solve. It can be a time of tremendous creativity in fact, as you incorporate new ideas into your existing system of values and possibly shed some outworn limitations overly restricting your behavior.  

 

Beginning to Unfold

I want to wish each and every one of you a fantastic New Year.  I  am really, really, really looking forward to what this year has to offer to each and every one of us in our Universe and to the unfolding of events in this time in space.

I’m on a good, pretty even keel.  The holidays came and went without any drama, family trauma, co-dependence or guilt.  It’s 2013 and we’re all still here, although the climate has changed.  There has been a shift in awareness with information coming through much more freely and what I consider incoming doesn’t involve “DUCK FOR COVER !!!”  This incoming is gentle and loving, opening my awareness and sharpening my senses.  Old ways are dissolving while at the same time something so totally new emerges.  It’s almost magical the way it is starting to softly cover the rough edges.  My seeking, soul-searching and looking for signs of what’s coming next (i.e. “heads up”) continues with great interest on my part.  I started to write about the experiences I had in my alcoholic, co-dependent and dysfunctional marriages.  After 4 agonizing days and 2,000 words I put a halt to it.  I dredged up memories and went backwards to where I don’t want to go right now.  It’s said that time heals*, after all, and those particular past issues** have almost been dealt with.  Almost is the key word here.  I know I need to look again but found myself starting to stare.  I will finish it but need to do so with all honesty so, for the moment, that story is on hold.

I’m “lightening my load” right now.  It’s a process, this cleaning up and cleaning out.  I used to spend a lot of time in thrift shops and at garage sales and made some money selling bits and pieces of vintage and antique items.  Trouble is I kept stuff and it added to the stuff I already had accumulated.  Then I acquired more stuff when my dad died and we cleaned 55 years out of his house.  That’s a lot of “stuff”.  It’s similar to what I’ve done in my life; just packing one experience, emotion or thought away and then stacking more on top without looking at what is underneath.  Pretty soon it’s stacked so high I forget what’s down there.  So anyway….  I came across a box of my old journals in the back of my closet.  (Stacked under…  of course.)  They go back to the late 70’s.  I randomly started reading something I’d written in 2004 and finally had to stop just to digest the whole experience.  At that time I was starting to question certain aspects and beliefs in my life.  To have this reference point and to be able to see where I am now is really rather amazing.  Thank GOD for faith.  That’s what got me here.  My emotional load has balanced out along the way as I’ve dumped old views, thoughts and feelings.  I’ve learned to know that when The Committee goes into session it’s time to sit, breathe, center and focus on being still.  I’m being attentive and going with each new realization and revelation I receive.  I know deep down that it wouldn’t  be wise to ignore them.  I’ve spent years not listening to what I knew was right.  NOW is my time.  Being propelled towards a New Me is one of the most exciting things I have ever experienced.

* Transitting Mercury Square Chiron ,  **Chiron Square Natal Sun

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