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Archive for the ‘Alcoholism’ Category

Allow Me To Accept ~ Balance Me With Love

G.O.D. ~
Allow me to accept
Other people’s families, fears
Delusions, denials and insecurities
As belonging to them.  Not me.

Let me recognize
How my thoughts and actions affect my relationships.
If they are healthy then please let me nurture them.
But if they’re toxic allow them immediate release.

Please balance me with Love
While I continue this journey
Forward, in health and wholeness.
Amen.

A Note To An Alcoholic Friend

“I Didn’t Cause It, I Can’t Control It, I Can’t Cure It”

The 3 C’s of Alanon

It’s about jails, institutions and death.  It’s about pain and heartache and loneliness and anger and fear and resentment, to name a few.  It’s disrupting and heartbreaking and disgusting.  It’s the blackouts, the hangovers, the shakes and seizures and wondering what you did.  It’s the hell  you’re going through right now.  It consists of me saying I can’t do anything for you unless you’re ready to help yourself.  I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it and I can’t cure it.  I have compassion for what you’re going through but I cannot fix you.  Only you can make the decision to get on the road to recovery.  I pray you have a moment of clarity.  I don’t want to see you to die.  The ball is in your court. I hope you choose to play.

Enough To Need

This is what my E.G.O. needed to hear today; a confirmation to to be vigilant, to move along with Growth/Change and keep my thoughts of G.O.D positive and directed to the forefront.  It’s all about Love… of self and others.  I want to impact the lives of those around me for the better.  Revelations keep coming.  Right now they seem to be carrying quite a “jolt” as they try to settle in and can be a bit upsetting.  I’ve been consciously breathing and trying to keep my mind from taking control and distorting the facts.  I need to remember not to react adversely while sorting this all out.   If I begin to think I finally have Life under my control I’d make poor choices (again), act out in a passive-aggressive manner (again) and just generally upset the old apple cart (again). Then I am nothing more than a selfish, EGOtistical waste of my time and energy because I know better now.  There are no excuses.  The bottom line is I wouldn’t stop these Processes even if I could. They’re moving me closer to my destiny.

ENOUGH TO NEED

Dear GOD,
Never allow me to think that I have
Knowledge enough to need no teaching,
Wisdom enough to need no corrections,
Talents enough to need no grace,
Goodness enough to need no progress,
Humility enough to need no repentance,
Devotion enough to need no improvement,
Strength sufficient with Thy Spirit lest, standing still,
I fall back forevermore.

From the 12th Step Prayer Book, Prayer #26

 

Walking Down A New Street

Portia Nelson wrote a poem I wanted to share.  It pretty much describes my struggle with alcohol; the pitfalls and anguish I experienced as I repeatedly relapsed and HOW, when I became Honesty Open-minded and Willing with myself and others, Life started moving in the right direction. Today I’m walking down a different street on a great course.  G.O.D. has worked miracles in my life. Today I know freedom from bondage to a bottle  and for that am extremely grateful.

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.”
― Portia NelsonThere’s a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery

 

Beginning to Unfold

I want to wish each and every one of you a fantastic New Year.  I  am really, really, really looking forward to what this year has to offer to each and every one of us in our Universe and to the unfolding of events in this time in space.

I’m on a good, pretty even keel.  The holidays came and went without any drama, family trauma, co-dependence or guilt.  It’s 2013 and we’re all still here, although the climate has changed.  There has been a shift in awareness with information coming through much more freely and what I consider incoming doesn’t involve “DUCK FOR COVER !!!”  This incoming is gentle and loving, opening my awareness and sharpening my senses.  Old ways are dissolving while at the same time something so totally new emerges.  It’s almost magical the way it is starting to softly cover the rough edges.  My seeking, soul-searching and looking for signs of what’s coming next (i.e. “heads up”) continues with great interest on my part.  I started to write about the experiences I had in my alcoholic, co-dependent and dysfunctional marriages.  After 4 agonizing days and 2,000 words I put a halt to it.  I dredged up memories and went backwards to where I don’t want to go right now.  It’s said that time heals*, after all, and those particular past issues** have almost been dealt with.  Almost is the key word here.  I know I need to look again but found myself starting to stare.  I will finish it but need to do so with all honesty so, for the moment, that story is on hold.

I’m “lightening my load” right now.  It’s a process, this cleaning up and cleaning out.  I used to spend a lot of time in thrift shops and at garage sales and made some money selling bits and pieces of vintage and antique items.  Trouble is I kept stuff and it added to the stuff I already had accumulated.  Then I acquired more stuff when my dad died and we cleaned 55 years out of his house.  That’s a lot of “stuff”.  It’s similar to what I’ve done in my life; just packing one experience, emotion or thought away and then stacking more on top without looking at what is underneath.  Pretty soon it’s stacked so high I forget what’s down there.  So anyway….  I came across a box of my old journals in the back of my closet.  (Stacked under…  of course.)  They go back to the late 70’s.  I randomly started reading something I’d written in 2004 and finally had to stop just to digest the whole experience.  At that time I was starting to question certain aspects and beliefs in my life.  To have this reference point and to be able to see where I am now is really rather amazing.  Thank GOD for faith.  That’s what got me here.  My emotional load has balanced out along the way as I’ve dumped old views, thoughts and feelings.  I’ve learned to know that when The Committee goes into session it’s time to sit, breathe, center and focus on being still.  I’m being attentive and going with each new realization and revelation I receive.  I know deep down that it wouldn’t  be wise to ignore them.  I’ve spent years not listening to what I knew was right.  NOW is my time.  Being propelled towards a New Me is one of the most exciting things I have ever experienced.

* Transitting Mercury Square Chiron ,  **Chiron Square Natal Sun

Quite A Beautiful Ride

We are living in a time when life is moving so rapidly that we can’t afford to cling to old rocks. There is far greater wisdom (and joy) in opening to the adventure and making a game of flowing with the stream. It really is quite a beautiful ride. Sometimes it seems that life is not working, but it is. The universe is intelligent, and our game is to remember that perfection is always unfolding, even when we do not see it in a cloudy moment.  ~ Alan Cohen

I want to continue to explore, expand my horizons.  There are so many fascinating subjects to research and an abundance of life to experience.  I don’t want to cling to a rock until my dying day.  I’m enjoying my adventure and am finally able to see it for what it is; for what it has always been.  I’m recognizing the lessons and learning.  I’m learning that everyone I come in contact with has something to teach me and I am grateful for that opportunity.  Sometimes I instantly recognize the significance of the message and other times the lesson isn’t immediately clear.  Sooner or later (and it’s sooner and sooner now) it appears and I am able to acknowledge it.

Life is moving at an amazing speed at this point in time and I know I’m not the only one who feels it.  It’s not frantic or stressed out.  It’s more like the information highway from the cosmos.  I am receptive and am having revelations right and left, out of the blue. Many people are, it seems.  Are you ?  I’m also witnessing more kindness.  Yesterday I pulled up to the drive through window at Starbuck’s with money in hand and found that the unknown person in the truck ahead of me paid had my tab.  I was so overwhelmed by that simple act of kindness… paying it forward (backwards!)  It’s another reminder that helps keep my faith in humankind alive.  I know it was a direct message to me to be more giving, loving and kind.

Time is unfolding, more is being revealed and I gratefully await to see what it brings.

.

The Edge

(Chiron Trine Natal Chiron*)

I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over.  Out on the edge you see all the kinds of things you can’t see from the center. ~ Kurt Vonnegut

NASA Photo http://saturn.jpl.nasa.gov/multimedia/images/saturn/images/IMG002314.jpg

I wish I could come up with a brilliant quote like this one.  It rings true to me and aptly explains how I feel.  I’m able to imagine how it would be to stand on the edge of one of Saturn’s rings and absorb the wonders of The Universe.  Although I can only envision the sights I would take in I’m just grateful I have my imagination and a link to the NASA website.

I’m at a point in my life where I want to go to the edge.  My mind is open and my curiosity strong.  I spent too many years in the center; playing it safe, being a chameleon, giving lip service and being controlled by one person or another. Having had guilt very frequently served to me on a silver platter I paid for it dearly in dis-ease.  Now I’m continuing my education in this University of Life.  I get to choose my courses and I am truly happy, enjoying this time in my life.

When I talk about going to the edge I’m not referring to out of control as in ” OMG she went over the edge this time”.  I’m talking getting to my edge, my “jumping off” place.  It’s about walking past old fears and old habits, which means being open to new ideas, different thoughts, spiritual growth, psychic impressions, people of like mind, insights and listening to my dreams, to name a few.  It means I can have my own GOD/Saviour, with whom I am at ease, and know that Love is always with me, that GOD is always in me.  I want to learn much more about things that resonate to and with me. Going to the edge  also means I can be myself, speak my truths; have my own opinions without fearing reproach and it means I can stay in my pajamas until 2:00 without any guilt.  In turn, it lets other people live their lives without my judgement upon them, their beliefs and opinions.  We all need to make our own mistakes.

My view is much clearer view since I started this journey.  I am becoming my authentic self  while I quietly mature.  Better late than never.  I realize I am holding much more  tolerance , understanding and compassion,  as well as holding my tongue.  Nothing much surprises me anymore.  I like getting to my edge, jumping off and finding there’s something even better waiting for me, purer and more refined, when I land.

*Transiting Chiron in trine with natal Chiron ~ The planetary energies flow smoothly; the connection is easy and beneficial. 

You are likely to be going through a period of transition. You are in the process of getting in touch with yourself, and this can be extremely rewarding as well as a necessary part of your evolution. This could be a time when strange events force upon you an intimation of other worlds, a broader perspective than that of ordinary reality, perhaps a taste of the transpersonal world of shamanism and magic. It also may be a time for re-examination of some painful issues that could be part of your make-up and possibly have been holding you back until now. Usually some issues from early childhood that were too painful to deal with in their era, and that have become repressed and remain lodged in your unconscious, come up during this period of time, perhaps brought on by recent events. Long repressed feelings may be difficult and painful to deal with, but there is a rich reward for getting in touch with these walled-off areas in order to become more whole. You can achieve a much greater degree of self-acceptance and ease once you have made the dark journey of discovery to find what lies within that space. (TimePassages www.astrograph.com)

Getting “Past” Gone

Dwell not on the past. Use it to illustrate a point, then leave it behind. Nothing really matters except what you do now in this instant of time. From this moment onwards you can be an entirely different person, filled with love and understanding, ready with an outstretched hand, uplifted and positive in every thought and deed.  ~  Eileen Caddy

Some of my helpers.....

I like to take a good look at my past on occasion in order to gauge how far I have progressed.  Staring or dwelling upon it for any reason other than gleaning it’s lessons does not work for me.  I do not need to fall into a “could have, would have, should have” condition.  That’s a short road to a long depression if I decide to go there.  As long as I do  the next right thing now and keep love and kindness close to my heart I continue to evolve.  Developing into who I am at this moment in time has been slow but steady.  My mind, as well as my horizon, has expanded, becoming open and accepting of almost everything put in my path.  Negativity, dark thoughts and unbecoming action are quietly being left in the dust of the past and I continue to move forward.  The rest of this life is stretched before me like a canvas; waiting for me to pick up my brush.  I hope to create my masterpiece.

More Growth, More Changes

Another wave of change has been occurring within me at an astonishing rate.  I realize that I am listening to a different drummer this time and that I shouldn’t ignore its presence. It’s not just Self speaking.  It resonates very clearly; asking me to listen and visualize and sort through all that emerges from the depths of my being. I’ve learned to follow the silent voice of inner awareness that urges me forward in the processes that are taking place in my life.   It has made itself present to me and I can’t, nor do I want, to ignore it.  I’m being pushed and pulled and molded into someone who is becoming more comfortable in her skin. I am comfortably uneasy with this process that sometimes makes me want to squirm and hide my head in the sand.  But unless I stop, listen and fully move through whatever is obstructing me I will remain stagnant.  Issues of control, issues of independence, some pain associated with old behaviors and my belief systems are being affected.  I am also driven to write and it feels good to let it out.  I want to be aware and watchful as well as honest and open-minded as I continue to peel the layers, process the information, learn the lessons and continue my journey of growth and change.

Transiting Chiron in Strong Sextile with Natal Mars:  The planetary energies flow together, open into new possibilities, new connections. Issues of outer-directed activity are emphasized for you at this time. There may be a degree of pain associated with realizations around the areas of how you assert yourself with other people and what exactly is your place in the world of activity and outward drive and ambition. You may feel that unconscious drives are more powerful than your overt conscious motivations at this time. You have a powerful urge to create during this period, and you need to get in touch with how to use this energy and what it is that you want to accomplish. You may experience frustration in trying to go your own route, independent of what consensus reality surrounding you may dictate. Old wounds in the area of self-assertion and how you make your way in the world may also come up at this time as you try to find your true path. It is only by going deep within yourself and trusting the intelligence of your own inner awareness that you can make a movement toward healing these issues and enter a new birth of understanding and trust in your own process.  (TimePassages)

Courage to Be

“It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are.”   e. e. Cummings

08StrengthSPI

The moment  I read this quote a part of me thought  “No.  I can’t write about courage.  I don’t have it in me.”  That’s how my  mind works against me.  I almost bought into it but caught myself.  I am going to write about it because I have fought hard to attain the courage to do this.

Courage is “the ability to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation. Physical courage is courage in the face of physical pain, hardship, death, or threat of death, while moral courage is the ability to act rightly in the face of popular opposition, shame, scandal, or discouragement.  In some traditions, fortitude holds approximately the same meaning as courage.  (Wikipedia)

Albert Einstein’s definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

My last active insanity session came during a time in my life when I couldn’t cope with the reality of a situation over which I felt I had no control.  I thought it would go away and when it didn’t I went into denial and then into dis-ease.  It was like a living nightmare.  In dis-ease I become another person; dark and depressed.  I came to every morning and went to work; grimly facing the day with a pair of dark glasses and constant anxiety.  Towards the end I had to have a drink before I got to work.  At the end I drove almost 20 miles in a blackout on the wrong side of a two lane road with two police cars following me.  I didn’t see them.  It is said there are three ends for an alcoholic:  jail, institutions or death.  That final spiral downwards, and I don’t use the word final loosely, took me to places I never want to visit again and it’s only by G.O.D.’s grace I haven’t died.

When I came out of my fog I had several years of guilt, anger, fear, anxiety and shame to run through the shredder.  I was overwhelmed by my emotions.  Thank G.O.D. that my friends were there for me. I couldn’t have done it without their encouragement, love and (sometimes not so) gentle pushes.  Once on the road to freedom I had to learn to live with myself.  I had to forgive myself and all those “others”.  I had to learn to love myself and I had to learn how to love/live life as a responsible adult.  That was a big mouthful to swallow but the work I did, and still do, has rewarded me.

In the beginning I was terribly uncomfortable when I had to go “out in the world”.   I was very unsure of myself and my self-esteem was at rock bottom.  I had embarrassed myself beyond beyond.  I thought that everyone in town was talking about me and it made me crazy.  I couldn’t do what I wanted to do to alleviate the pain and thus the work, the research, the prayer and meditation began in earnest. Slowly it became easier  and my anxieties calmed down.  I realized that what other people thought of me was none of my business.  I found myself having the courage to go places, like the local market and post office, where I would inevitably run into someone looking at me as a juicy bit of gossip.  I found the courage to look back, smile and say “I couldn’t be better” when asked (and yes, many times, asked in a condescending manner) how I was.  My family saw changes and welcomed me “back”.   The guilt and shame slowly left.  I began to recognize my assets while removing the liabilities.  Today I have the courage to express my feeling and emotions, views and thoughts and can get usually get them up and out before they tear me up. I still have problems holding on sometimes.  I have the courage to post these blogs.  This is one of the more courageous thing I’ve ever done, and I do it with hopes it helps someone else at some time.  For some reason, it helps me.  It feels damn good having the courage to just be.

Image:  Strength VIII – Kay Steventon’s Spiral Tarot

 

We Are Not Alone

We are being led. We are not alone. Our Higher Power is working Its finest and best to bring true change in us. Others have traveled this road too. We will be led to someone who can help us, someone who can provide the markers we need. We are being prepared for receiving as much joy and love as our heart can hold. ~ Melody Beattie

August 6 - 9, 2010 022 ps

There have been many times in my life where I have felt trapped, alone or abandoned with nowhere to turn and nowhere to hide. It’s impossible to hide from yourself unless you are anesthetized and out cold. And that is only temporary. Once the lights come on it only gets worse. This is not a speculation on my part. It’s the truth as I learned it. It’s a different story today. I am not in my disease and I have spent, and still spend a lot of time recovering from it in one way or another. I accept that I am the sum of all my experiences, good and bad.

I remember in order to forget, in order to move through those cobwebs that would like to cling to my being like sticky little bits of cotton candy. I could stop and wallow in some of those old patterns and pities. I could bow to low self-esteem and self hate. Maybe I could twist up some resentments and anger. Or how about jealousy and rage, lies and deceit ? Oh ! I forgot drama. Lots of drama. Yeah ? I don’t think so. I could but I won’t. I’ve grown and changed over the years and that behavior isn’t in my life any longer. It tries to slip sneakily in. But I need to remember what it was like, not to become too comfortable and let my guard slip.

Remembering where the Past has taken me brings me to the Present and the gifts I receive daily. Waking Up (not Coming To), watching the sunrise from my lanai, having time to just be or create, my beautiful children and grandchildren, other family and friends, fantastic times with the man I love, working in my garden, traveling to places I never imagined, living in beauty by the ocean and being at relative peace with myself and others are just some of the gifts only a truly magnificent G.O.D. could give me. I felt, at a time passed, that I was undeserving of such gifts. Today I can smile and say “Thank You” while I accept these Blessings from Above.

Transforming With Mercury Square Chiron ~ Time Heals

Our past is neither an accident nor a mistake. We have been where we needed to be, with the necessary people. We can embrace our history, with its pain, its imperfections, its mistakes, even its tragedies. It is uniquely ours; it was intended just for us. Today, we are right where we need to be. Our present circumstances are exactly as they need to be,  for now. ~ Melody Beattie

Transiting Mercury in Square with Natal Chiron

For this brief period of time, you will become more conscious of the energy for personal transformation and healing in your life. This will likely mean exposing some form of deep-seated pain for the purpose of working through old issues and ultimately healing these issues. During this brief period of time, you may be blessed to provide the impetus for healing to others. You may also feel healing energy come into your life from a meeting with another person during the course of this transit. It may also be that communication with other people brings to light certain areas of your psyche that you would rather not have exposed, and that can be quite painful for you to connect with. But getting in touch with these areas is for your ultimate benefit, for the more integration you can achieve within your psyche, the more whole you are and the more you can bring yourself forward to be of help to other people on the same journey of discovery.

My daughter said “Mom, it’s okay to look at the past.  Just don’t stare too hard”.   I consider this good advice.  Staring tends to made me maudlin and depressed so no, I  haven’t been staring,  I’ve just been reflecting on where I am today while realizing that I’m actually happy with myself and others.

Way back when, in Time Passed, I made mistakes I should have learned from.  Except I didn’t.  I continued to exercise the same behavior over and over again.  I thought I could change outcomes because I was different, special or whatever.   If I’d been wiser and given more thought to what I was doing I might have avoided the pain that continued to compound.   I was, however,  incapable of rational thought as dependence fed the addiction that pushed me to practice insanity.  I didn’t have to practice too hard, either.  It quickly became rather natural; sometimes with its own language and invisible friends included at no extra charge.  When I look at where I started, where I went and how great my life is today I’m grateful that Passed is gone and that the gap between then and now is getting wider each day.

NOW, I understand, that Time Passed continually makes me Me.  I am the sum of my experiences, in constant motion with change and growth.  There have been so many good times;  happy times I remember with warm thoughts, smiles and joyful tears as well as those sad days, those periods of pain, fear, anger and drama.  Those times can’t be changed but as long as I can accept every bit of it, good and bad, for what it is/was and know I’m okay, it’s fine.  I also know it could have been worse.  I could be dead.

My Life Time NOW is filled with healing and love, friends that stayed true and new ones, too.  I have my health and my happiness is free.  My circle is widening and includes such a wide array of people, many of whom I could have never guessed would have blessed me with their presence in my life.  A whole new world has opened up to me.  There is so much in NOW.  My children and grandchildren have blessed my life more than I could ever have thought or wished for.  I have a fantastic relationship with a mentally healthy person.  In the program we talk about “happy, joyous and free”.  I am happy, I’ve found joy and best of all I am free to choose my own reality.  Thank GOD.

What’s Dominating Your Destiny ?

Once you exercise fear and make it your practice, once you try resentment and make it your habit, once you employ aggression and make it routine, those actions will dominate your destiny. No matter how painfully you’ve been wronged, stand in love in the midst of a huge temptation to be vengeful, prideful or hold back. The real nature of love is that the person you think has betrayed you the most is actually an agent of the divine offering you the opportunity for grace.  ~ Mary Manin Morrissey

From firsthand experience I can only concur with what Mary Manin Morrissey is saying.  I’ll guarantee that by feeding and watering these “seeds of pain” they’ll grow quickly and become a part of your daily life.  (If you’re an active alcoholic you can even get an extra helping of Hurt that will go along nicely with your always increasing irritability and discontent).  Fertilize with plenty of Drama and just see how soul-sick you can become.  Those “seeds” will develop into a very healthy, extremely strong and toxic vine and it will work slowly on strangling its host, Your Spirit.  With a warped perspective, bad choices are made on a daily basis and you dig in deeper.  The people, places and things that are causing your discomfort aren’t going to go away unless you let them go; sent away with love, no conditions attached.

There is a paragraph in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous that reads “If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don’t really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don’t mean it, go ahead and do it  anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love.”   This seemed easy enough to me and I liked the part about even if you don’t want if for them or mean it,  because I didn’t.   I knew I had to start somewhere so I started out praying “GOD, bless the son of a bitch”.   Every day I prayed and slowly it changed.  After a couple of weeks my prayer had progressed and came to me in love.  It was softer, gentler and forgiving.   I realized I truly meant what I was saying; that it felt good.  I’d had a change.  I was freed from that resentment and allowed the 180 degree turn from darkness to light.   By the grace of GOD I was given a new outlook on the situation, realizing how much easier it is to approach a problem in love.

I haven’t by any means gotten this down to an exact science but I’m getting better at it.  There are days when I repeat the words “tranquility and serenity” over and over in my mind to keep these feelings away.  I’ve also prayed for many other “sons and daughters of bitches” since that day and I may have to pray it again.  Who know where my mind will try to take me if I get on the bus with it again.   I have to keep focused on the good and stay off the bad.  All  is well even when the boat starts to rock if I pause and think before I react.

Today I am aware of my connection to the Universe and I am more at peace with myself and others.  I’ll gladly take that over living in my mind while attaching negative emotions to negative thoughts, in turn creating inner turmoil and drama.  Life has taken a great turn and GOD continues to bless me beyond my wildest dreams.

photo:  http://www.csindy.com

Attitude is Everything

change-your-attitude

I believe the single most significant decision I can make on a day-to-day basis is my choice of attitude. It is more important than my past, my education, my bankroll, my successes or failures, fame or pain, what other people think of me or say about me, my circumstances, or my position. Attitude is that “single string” that keeps me going or cripples my progress. It alone fuels my fire or assaults my hope. When my attitudes are right, there’s no barrier too high, no valley too deep, no dream too extreme, no challenge too great for me.  ~ Charles R. Swindoll

My attitude is healthy most of the time.  When it’s not well it kills my spirit and my progress.  It’s a guarantee that I’ll turn into a screaming banshee when my attitude is on the rocks.   I can become cocky, defensive, angry, fearful, a know-it-all, disagreeable, impolite, dissatisfied, surly or sullen.  I can play the passive aggressive game, the hard hearted game or rant and rave.  There are dozens of ways I can manifest that Bad Attitude and itwill always cripple me until I get a grip on it and change direction.

One thing I’ve learned is when I am not in good spiritual condition I tend to get a case of Bad Attitude.  It may not happen right away but it will crop up sooner than later.  This usually starts when I’m Too Busy to spend a few minutes with my GOD in morning meditation, prayer or reflection.  After a few days of Too Busy I will neglect my quiet time for a while longer; usually just long enough to get into a lovely upheaval of emotional pain.   I may start blaming other people or other things for my imbalance.  The mayhem I’ve created can only be cured by affirmative action on my part and only I have the power to choose when this cure starts.  Since I can recognize, as well as feel, the lousy position I’ve put myself in I am able to make the choice to change, start doing what I MUST and be back on track as quickly as possible.  If I have a bad case of Self Will (another topic for a post) it might take a little longer but I’ll get there.  When I’ve harmed someone with my unhealthy behavior then my actions need to be addressed and apologies are in order.   If I’ve only beat myself up I find it worthwhile to make those amends to me.

When I stand in love, have faith in the process and know that all is exactly the way it should be at this moment, as well as keeping a conscious contact with my GOD I am able to live in a Good Attitude.  Everything is calmer and I become comfortable with life again.  Time is so precious and life is so short that it’s a shame to waste any of it cultivating a Bad Attitude.   If you’re struggling with your attitude I humbly suggest you look for the moves you need to take to turn it around.  It’s so much easier to live, to just be, with a Good Attitude anda softer heart.

Never Give Up

When you get in a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.  – Harriet Beecher Stowe

How many times have you been in that tight place, ready to throw in the towel and quit ?  I know I’ve been there more than once but I’ve learned that although it is darkest before dawn the sun will  rise.

I had always put Myself in those “tight places”.  No one else did.  I could play the blame game and be the victim.  “He/She/You MADE me do it.  It’s all YOUR fault.  Poor me.  Look at the mess I’m in”.  My part in it wouldn’t come up because I was in such great denial.   “How dare you suggest I had any part in the predicament!”

I have spent a lot of time looking at how I reacted when I was in those situations.   I was angry, resentful and fearful.  My escapes turned into insanity.  My insanity created chaos which in turn would cause other situations to arise and the game continued, got worse. I liked to play with fire and finally fell into a Hell of my own making.   Fortunately, I finally experienced and embraced a “moment of clarity”.   GOD showed me the stairway and I became to climb out.

I know today that Nobody can make me do anything if I’m uncomfortable with it.  I don’t have to surrender to any kind of pressure.  I can say NO.  Being happy, joyous and free means more to me than anything else in this world.

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