A place for my thoughts

Posts tagged ‘Family’

Allow Me To Accept ~ Balance Me With Love

G.O.D. ~
Allow me to accept
Other people’s families, fears
Delusions, denials and insecurities
As belonging to them.  Not me.

Let me recognize
How my thoughts and actions affect my relationships.
If they are healthy then please let me nurture them.
But if they’re toxic allow them immediate release.

Please balance me with Love
While I continue this journey
Forward, in health and wholeness.
Amen.

We Are Not Alone

We are being led. We are not alone. Our Higher Power is working Its finest and best to bring true change in us. Others have traveled this road too. We will be led to someone who can help us, someone who can provide the markers we need. We are being prepared for receiving as much joy and love as our heart can hold. ~ Melody Beattie

August 6 - 9, 2010 022 ps

There have been many times in my life where I have felt trapped, alone or abandoned with nowhere to turn and nowhere to hide. It’s impossible to hide from yourself unless you are anesthetized and out cold. And that is only temporary. Once the lights come on it only gets worse. This is not a speculation on my part. It’s the truth as I learned it. It’s a different story today. I am not in my disease and I have spent, and still spend a lot of time recovering from it in one way or another. I accept that I am the sum of all my experiences, good and bad.

I remember in order to forget, in order to move through those cobwebs that would like to cling to my being like sticky little bits of cotton candy. I could stop and wallow in some of those old patterns and pities. I could bow to low self-esteem and self hate. Maybe I could twist up some resentments and anger. Or how about jealousy and rage, lies and deceit ? Oh ! I forgot drama. Lots of drama. Yeah ? I don’t think so. I could but I won’t. I’ve grown and changed over the years and that behavior isn’t in my life any longer. It tries to slip sneakily in. But I need to remember what it was like, not to become too comfortable and let my guard slip.

Remembering where the Past has taken me brings me to the Present and the gifts I receive daily. Waking Up (not Coming To), watching the sunrise from my lanai, having time to just be or create, my beautiful children and grandchildren, other family and friends, fantastic times with the man I love, working in my garden, traveling to places I never imagined, living in beauty by the ocean and being at relative peace with myself and others are just some of the gifts only a truly magnificent G.O.D. could give me. I felt, at a time passed, that I was undeserving of such gifts. Today I can smile and say “Thank You” while I accept these Blessings from Above.

Transforming With Mercury Square Chiron ~ Time Heals

Our past is neither an accident nor a mistake. We have been where we needed to be, with the necessary people. We can embrace our history, with its pain, its imperfections, its mistakes, even its tragedies. It is uniquely ours; it was intended just for us. Today, we are right where we need to be. Our present circumstances are exactly as they need to be,  for now. ~ Melody Beattie

Transiting Mercury in Square with Natal Chiron

For this brief period of time, you will become more conscious of the energy for personal transformation and healing in your life. This will likely mean exposing some form of deep-seated pain for the purpose of working through old issues and ultimately healing these issues. During this brief period of time, you may be blessed to provide the impetus for healing to others. You may also feel healing energy come into your life from a meeting with another person during the course of this transit. It may also be that communication with other people brings to light certain areas of your psyche that you would rather not have exposed, and that can be quite painful for you to connect with. But getting in touch with these areas is for your ultimate benefit, for the more integration you can achieve within your psyche, the more whole you are and the more you can bring yourself forward to be of help to other people on the same journey of discovery.

My daughter said “Mom, it’s okay to look at the past.  Just don’t stare too hard”.   I consider this good advice.  Staring tends to made me maudlin and depressed so no, I  haven’t been staring,  I’ve just been reflecting on where I am today while realizing that I’m actually happy with myself and others.

Way back when, in Time Passed, I made mistakes I should have learned from.  Except I didn’t.  I continued to exercise the same behavior over and over again.  I thought I could change outcomes because I was different, special or whatever.   If I’d been wiser and given more thought to what I was doing I might have avoided the pain that continued to compound.   I was, however,  incapable of rational thought as dependence fed the addiction that pushed me to practice insanity.  I didn’t have to practice too hard, either.  It quickly became rather natural; sometimes with its own language and invisible friends included at no extra charge.  When I look at where I started, where I went and how great my life is today I’m grateful that Passed is gone and that the gap between then and now is getting wider each day.

NOW, I understand, that Time Passed continually makes me Me.  I am the sum of my experiences, in constant motion with change and growth.  There have been so many good times;  happy times I remember with warm thoughts, smiles and joyful tears as well as those sad days, those periods of pain, fear, anger and drama.  Those times can’t be changed but as long as I can accept every bit of it, good and bad, for what it is/was and know I’m okay, it’s fine.  I also know it could have been worse.  I could be dead.

My Life Time NOW is filled with healing and love, friends that stayed true and new ones, too.  I have my health and my happiness is free.  My circle is widening and includes such a wide array of people, many of whom I could have never guessed would have blessed me with their presence in my life.  A whole new world has opened up to me.  There is so much in NOW.  My children and grandchildren have blessed my life more than I could ever have thought or wished for.  I have a fantastic relationship with a mentally healthy person.  In the program we talk about “happy, joyous and free”.  I am happy, I’ve found joy and best of all I am free to choose my own reality.  Thank GOD.

Dancing Through Darkness ~ Chiron Square Natal Sun

“Healing is not forcing the sun to shine, but letting go of that which blocks the light.” S. Levine.

Chiron is dancing around in several areas of my chart at this moment in time.  He’s square my natal sun and fading now but he’s still potent enough.  I wrote a little about this transit (see the interpretation below) in February and here we are back on topic.  I’d like to ignore this but in all honestly I can’t, especially as it has been brought to my attention in a big way.  I’m changing and part of this change is dealing with those areas of my life that have caused me grief for as long as I can remember.  Situations that have gone on for years and years are being dealt with.  I’m looking at them and putting them to bed.  I’m confirming that I do have my own fish to fry.

As a child I was not encouraged to think or speak freely.  I learned to keep my thoughts to myself.  I became very self-conscious and walked on a lot of egg shells.  I learned to listen to their “messages” and to conform to the situation I was in.  My motto could have been “Don’t rock the boat and keep your guard up”.  Those messages helped form the fear base on which I perched for years.   It was easier to adapt to what “they” wanted me to be because although I wasn’t up to “their” expectations I could do a pretty good job faking it.  And I, being the good daughter, sister, wife who had it hammered into her said to myself “As long as I can juggle and keep “them” happy I guess this is how the game is played so I’ll go along and be what you want if it keeps you off my back”.  Well, not any more.   I juggled way too long and gambled on the game.  I should have called time out a million times.  I might have avoided some of those pitfalls.  The time has finally come, though.  The game is over and I’m ready for some real life, my way.  For the past few weeks I’ve been walking the cobblestones of my mind nightly, cleaning cobwebs and facing old phantoms.  It is an interesting journey full of surprises.  Per Van Morrison:  “Down those old ancient streets, Down those old ancient roads………….Till we get the healing done, Till we get the healing done”.

Astrology has been a wonderful tool for helping me put so much in perspective.  I sometimes think if only I’d given more attention to the stars earlier in life things might have been different.  My belief that everything happens in its own time comes into play here though because I do know GOD had different plans for me.  NOW is My Time and it’s up to me to get the work finished.  It’s exciting !

Transiting Chiron square natal Sun
During this period of time you are going through a potentially painful process of examining and re-aligning your self-concept, possibly as a result of old wounds coming up for you. Early childhood episodes that in some way were damaging to your self-concept may come back to haunt you. It may also be that fresh experiences bring these issues to the fore, issues which could be related to your father or another significant mentor figure from your past. These figures can be an important part of our ego structure as we go through life. The reason such painful issues are reemerging into consciousness is for the purpose of healing these issues, and finally moving beyond them. You may find when you have gone through this process that you feel yourself coming into a broader view of your existence. It may even be that some of your ego needs are no longer quite so acute as before. There is a way in which ego serves the soul’s evolution and a way in which it just seems to get lodged like a boulder in the path of progress. Changes that strip away some facets of your ego may be good for you in the long run and serve to strengthen your true inner self-confidence, as a more well-rounded view of your life as a whole is revealed to you.

My gratitude goes out to those friends who have stuck with me without judgment and who have helped me, pushing and pulling at times, on my move forward.  I love you all.

Spunky Is as Spunky Does

Spunky’s Menpachi

Spunky came over yesterday morning and showed up again today.  When she’s like a tornado on a railroad track her mind becomes so focused she’s either extremely IN THE BOX with the lid on or she’s so OUT OF THE BOX it’s hard to comprehend how she’s reached her conclusions.  ADD and brilliance shake up to become a dynamo of energy.  I watch her spin, go, do, RE-DO, re-think,  and pray that she’ll come out of this one a little more enlightened to LIFE ON LIFE’S TERMS.

While contemplating my role as Mother in this continuing saga of my adult child I’ve come to conclusions I don’t really like although they are necessary for her growth as well as mine.  We are joined at a level that runs so deep in our souls.  I believe we have been doing this dance for eons; watching it change, grow, evolve.  I also believe it is time to make a move to start the healing at a level I can’t even really understand at this moment.  I just feel it coming on.  Changes are in the air.  The interesting thing is that I know she is feeling it, too.  We are  “on the same wavelength”.  These changes are good, healing and pure.  I know we will flow through our transition and come out the other side closer than ever but with a better understanding of each other.   Without change there is no growth and without growth their is no change.

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