A place for my thoughts

Posts tagged ‘GOD’

Spiritual Impulse

Deadwood S.D. to Montana 075 LowResRS-WM

See where your own energy wants to go, not where you think it should go. Do something because it feels right, not because it makes sense. Follow the spiritual impulse.  Mary Hayes-Grieco

I think of a Spiritual Impulse as Self greeting Soul and resonating in harmony with GOD.  Think of a vortex of energy moving gently, with loving purpose, up through the chakras.

Personally, I like the big exhale at the end.

Surrender to Win

Shell Ginger PS

When we surrender to God, we surrender to something bigger than ourselves – to a universe that knows what it’s doing. When we stop trying to control events they fall into a natural order, an order that works. We’re at rest while a power much greater than our own takes over, and it does a much better job than we cold have done. We learn to trust that the power that holds galaxies together can handle the circumstance of our relatively little lives.  ~ Marianne Williamson

Reminder to Me:

When I start to look at the Big Picture and, once again, realize I am unable to even comprehend how Big the Picture really is,  I have to acknowledge the fact that my life and it’s circumstance are microscopic in comparison.  I have imposed my will inappropriately many times over many years and it has brought me nothing but trouble. I now know I have a better chance if I let GOD sort things out.  When my EGO  wants to run the show and I begin to think in terms of orchestration and control I am now able to recognize it sooner and, if I’m smart,  I immediately surrender to win.    

I let it go.  I give it away with Love and trust the outcome.

Allow Me To Accept ~ Balance Me With Love

G.O.D. ~
Allow me to accept
Other people’s families, fears
Delusions, denials and insecurities
As belonging to them.  Not me.

Let me recognize
How my thoughts and actions affect my relationships.
If they are healthy then please let me nurture them.
But if they’re toxic allow them immediate release.

Please balance me with Love
While I continue this journey
Forward, in health and wholeness.
Amen.

A Note To An Alcoholic Friend

“I Didn’t Cause It, I Can’t Control It, I Can’t Cure It”

The 3 C’s of Alanon

It’s about jails, institutions and death.  It’s about pain and heartache and loneliness and anger and fear and resentment, to name a few.  It’s disrupting and heartbreaking and disgusting.  It’s the blackouts, the hangovers, the shakes and seizures and wondering what you did.  It’s the hell  you’re going through right now.  It consists of me saying I can’t do anything for you unless you’re ready to help yourself.  I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it and I can’t cure it.  I have compassion for what you’re going through but I cannot fix you.  Only you can make the decision to get on the road to recovery.  I pray you have a moment of clarity.  I don’t want to see you to die.  The ball is in your court. I hope you choose to play.

Enough To Need

This is what my E.G.O. needed to hear today; a confirmation to to be vigilant, to move along with Growth/Change and keep my thoughts of G.O.D positive and directed to the forefront.  It’s all about Love… of self and others.  I want to impact the lives of those around me for the better.  Revelations keep coming.  Right now they seem to be carrying quite a “jolt” as they try to settle in and can be a bit upsetting.  I’ve been consciously breathing and trying to keep my mind from taking control and distorting the facts.  I need to remember not to react adversely while sorting this all out.   If I begin to think I finally have Life under my control I’d make poor choices (again), act out in a passive-aggressive manner (again) and just generally upset the old apple cart (again). Then I am nothing more than a selfish, EGOtistical waste of my time and energy because I know better now.  There are no excuses.  The bottom line is I wouldn’t stop these Processes even if I could. They’re moving me closer to my destiny.

ENOUGH TO NEED

Dear GOD,
Never allow me to think that I have
Knowledge enough to need no teaching,
Wisdom enough to need no corrections,
Talents enough to need no grace,
Goodness enough to need no progress,
Humility enough to need no repentance,
Devotion enough to need no improvement,
Strength sufficient with Thy Spirit lest, standing still,
I fall back forevermore.

From the 12th Step Prayer Book, Prayer #26

 

Beginning to Unfold

I want to wish each and every one of you a fantastic New Year.  I  am really, really, really looking forward to what this year has to offer to each and every one of us in our Universe and to the unfolding of events in this time in space.

I’m on a good, pretty even keel.  The holidays came and went without any drama, family trauma, co-dependence or guilt.  It’s 2013 and we’re all still here, although the climate has changed.  There has been a shift in awareness with information coming through much more freely and what I consider incoming doesn’t involve “DUCK FOR COVER !!!”  This incoming is gentle and loving, opening my awareness and sharpening my senses.  Old ways are dissolving while at the same time something so totally new emerges.  It’s almost magical the way it is starting to softly cover the rough edges.  My seeking, soul-searching and looking for signs of what’s coming next (i.e. “heads up”) continues with great interest on my part.  I started to write about the experiences I had in my alcoholic, co-dependent and dysfunctional marriages.  After 4 agonizing days and 2,000 words I put a halt to it.  I dredged up memories and went backwards to where I don’t want to go right now.  It’s said that time heals*, after all, and those particular past issues** have almost been dealt with.  Almost is the key word here.  I know I need to look again but found myself starting to stare.  I will finish it but need to do so with all honesty so, for the moment, that story is on hold.

I’m “lightening my load” right now.  It’s a process, this cleaning up and cleaning out.  I used to spend a lot of time in thrift shops and at garage sales and made some money selling bits and pieces of vintage and antique items.  Trouble is I kept stuff and it added to the stuff I already had accumulated.  Then I acquired more stuff when my dad died and we cleaned 55 years out of his house.  That’s a lot of “stuff”.  It’s similar to what I’ve done in my life; just packing one experience, emotion or thought away and then stacking more on top without looking at what is underneath.  Pretty soon it’s stacked so high I forget what’s down there.  So anyway….  I came across a box of my old journals in the back of my closet.  (Stacked under…  of course.)  They go back to the late 70’s.  I randomly started reading something I’d written in 2004 and finally had to stop just to digest the whole experience.  At that time I was starting to question certain aspects and beliefs in my life.  To have this reference point and to be able to see where I am now is really rather amazing.  Thank GOD for faith.  That’s what got me here.  My emotional load has balanced out along the way as I’ve dumped old views, thoughts and feelings.  I’ve learned to know that when The Committee goes into session it’s time to sit, breathe, center and focus on being still.  I’m being attentive and going with each new realization and revelation I receive.  I know deep down that it wouldn’t  be wise to ignore them.  I’ve spent years not listening to what I knew was right.  NOW is my time.  Being propelled towards a New Me is one of the most exciting things I have ever experienced.

* Transitting Mercury Square Chiron ,  **Chiron Square Natal Sun

The Edge

(Chiron Trine Natal Chiron*)

I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over.  Out on the edge you see all the kinds of things you can’t see from the center. ~ Kurt Vonnegut

NASA Photo http://saturn.jpl.nasa.gov/multimedia/images/saturn/images/IMG002314.jpg

I wish I could come up with a brilliant quote like this one.  It rings true to me and aptly explains how I feel.  I’m able to imagine how it would be to stand on the edge of one of Saturn’s rings and absorb the wonders of The Universe.  Although I can only envision the sights I would take in I’m just grateful I have my imagination and a link to the NASA website.

I’m at a point in my life where I want to go to the edge.  My mind is open and my curiosity strong.  I spent too many years in the center; playing it safe, being a chameleon, giving lip service and being controlled by one person or another. Having had guilt very frequently served to me on a silver platter I paid for it dearly in dis-ease.  Now I’m continuing my education in this University of Life.  I get to choose my courses and I am truly happy, enjoying this time in my life.

When I talk about going to the edge I’m not referring to out of control as in ” OMG she went over the edge this time”.  I’m talking getting to my edge, my “jumping off” place.  It’s about walking past old fears and old habits, which means being open to new ideas, different thoughts, spiritual growth, psychic impressions, people of like mind, insights and listening to my dreams, to name a few.  It means I can have my own GOD/Saviour, with whom I am at ease, and know that Love is always with me, that GOD is always in me.  I want to learn much more about things that resonate to and with me. Going to the edge  also means I can be myself, speak my truths; have my own opinions without fearing reproach and it means I can stay in my pajamas until 2:00 without any guilt.  In turn, it lets other people live their lives without my judgement upon them, their beliefs and opinions.  We all need to make our own mistakes.

My view is much clearer view since I started this journey.  I am becoming my authentic self  while I quietly mature.  Better late than never.  I realize I am holding much more  tolerance , understanding and compassion,  as well as holding my tongue.  Nothing much surprises me anymore.  I like getting to my edge, jumping off and finding there’s something even better waiting for me, purer and more refined, when I land.

*Transiting Chiron in trine with natal Chiron ~ The planetary energies flow smoothly; the connection is easy and beneficial. 

You are likely to be going through a period of transition. You are in the process of getting in touch with yourself, and this can be extremely rewarding as well as a necessary part of your evolution. This could be a time when strange events force upon you an intimation of other worlds, a broader perspective than that of ordinary reality, perhaps a taste of the transpersonal world of shamanism and magic. It also may be a time for re-examination of some painful issues that could be part of your make-up and possibly have been holding you back until now. Usually some issues from early childhood that were too painful to deal with in their era, and that have become repressed and remain lodged in your unconscious, come up during this period of time, perhaps brought on by recent events. Long repressed feelings may be difficult and painful to deal with, but there is a rich reward for getting in touch with these walled-off areas in order to become more whole. You can achieve a much greater degree of self-acceptance and ease once you have made the dark journey of discovery to find what lies within that space. (TimePassages www.astrograph.com)

We Are Not Alone

We are being led. We are not alone. Our Higher Power is working Its finest and best to bring true change in us. Others have traveled this road too. We will be led to someone who can help us, someone who can provide the markers we need. We are being prepared for receiving as much joy and love as our heart can hold. ~ Melody Beattie

August 6 - 9, 2010 022 ps

There have been many times in my life where I have felt trapped, alone or abandoned with nowhere to turn and nowhere to hide. It’s impossible to hide from yourself unless you are anesthetized and out cold. And that is only temporary. Once the lights come on it only gets worse. This is not a speculation on my part. It’s the truth as I learned it. It’s a different story today. I am not in my disease and I have spent, and still spend a lot of time recovering from it in one way or another. I accept that I am the sum of all my experiences, good and bad.

I remember in order to forget, in order to move through those cobwebs that would like to cling to my being like sticky little bits of cotton candy. I could stop and wallow in some of those old patterns and pities. I could bow to low self-esteem and self hate. Maybe I could twist up some resentments and anger. Or how about jealousy and rage, lies and deceit ? Oh ! I forgot drama. Lots of drama. Yeah ? I don’t think so. I could but I won’t. I’ve grown and changed over the years and that behavior isn’t in my life any longer. It tries to slip sneakily in. But I need to remember what it was like, not to become too comfortable and let my guard slip.

Remembering where the Past has taken me brings me to the Present and the gifts I receive daily. Waking Up (not Coming To), watching the sunrise from my lanai, having time to just be or create, my beautiful children and grandchildren, other family and friends, fantastic times with the man I love, working in my garden, traveling to places I never imagined, living in beauty by the ocean and being at relative peace with myself and others are just some of the gifts only a truly magnificent G.O.D. could give me. I felt, at a time passed, that I was undeserving of such gifts. Today I can smile and say “Thank You” while I accept these Blessings from Above.

G.O.D. and E.G.O.

I found her clinging to a rock at Pohoiki

I was listening to a podcast the other day and heard someone comment that “GOD speaks to us through one another”. I agree. On many occasions GOD has offered me the right words to speak when they are needed or they are spoken to me through someone else at exactly the right time. However, when I’m not in a “fit condition” mentally, spiritually and emotionally there is another force that just wants to be in charge of everything. That force is EGO. When I’m into EGO I’m unable to work well with GOD.

At some time along the way someone said GOD is an acronym for Good Orderly Direction while EGO is Easing God Out.  I’ve always liked that.  It makes sense to me that putting EGO before GOD blocks, blurs and distorts all matters of Spirit and defeats the true self. My belief that GOD resides within me gives me the power to recognize EGO problems.  Refusing that recognition is a denial of what GOD needs done.  Being aware of how EGO affects my whole being…  my Good Orderly Direction…  keeps me more comfortable with the “shedding process” and the new aspects of self that continue to emerge.

Transforming With Mercury Square Chiron ~ Time Heals

Our past is neither an accident nor a mistake. We have been where we needed to be, with the necessary people. We can embrace our history, with its pain, its imperfections, its mistakes, even its tragedies. It is uniquely ours; it was intended just for us. Today, we are right where we need to be. Our present circumstances are exactly as they need to be,  for now. ~ Melody Beattie

Transiting Mercury in Square with Natal Chiron

For this brief period of time, you will become more conscious of the energy for personal transformation and healing in your life. This will likely mean exposing some form of deep-seated pain for the purpose of working through old issues and ultimately healing these issues. During this brief period of time, you may be blessed to provide the impetus for healing to others. You may also feel healing energy come into your life from a meeting with another person during the course of this transit. It may also be that communication with other people brings to light certain areas of your psyche that you would rather not have exposed, and that can be quite painful for you to connect with. But getting in touch with these areas is for your ultimate benefit, for the more integration you can achieve within your psyche, the more whole you are and the more you can bring yourself forward to be of help to other people on the same journey of discovery.

My daughter said “Mom, it’s okay to look at the past.  Just don’t stare too hard”.   I consider this good advice.  Staring tends to made me maudlin and depressed so no, I  haven’t been staring,  I’ve just been reflecting on where I am today while realizing that I’m actually happy with myself and others.

Way back when, in Time Passed, I made mistakes I should have learned from.  Except I didn’t.  I continued to exercise the same behavior over and over again.  I thought I could change outcomes because I was different, special or whatever.   If I’d been wiser and given more thought to what I was doing I might have avoided the pain that continued to compound.   I was, however,  incapable of rational thought as dependence fed the addiction that pushed me to practice insanity.  I didn’t have to practice too hard, either.  It quickly became rather natural; sometimes with its own language and invisible friends included at no extra charge.  When I look at where I started, where I went and how great my life is today I’m grateful that Passed is gone and that the gap between then and now is getting wider each day.

NOW, I understand, that Time Passed continually makes me Me.  I am the sum of my experiences, in constant motion with change and growth.  There have been so many good times;  happy times I remember with warm thoughts, smiles and joyful tears as well as those sad days, those periods of pain, fear, anger and drama.  Those times can’t be changed but as long as I can accept every bit of it, good and bad, for what it is/was and know I’m okay, it’s fine.  I also know it could have been worse.  I could be dead.

My Life Time NOW is filled with healing and love, friends that stayed true and new ones, too.  I have my health and my happiness is free.  My circle is widening and includes such a wide array of people, many of whom I could have never guessed would have blessed me with their presence in my life.  A whole new world has opened up to me.  There is so much in NOW.  My children and grandchildren have blessed my life more than I could ever have thought or wished for.  I have a fantastic relationship with a mentally healthy person.  In the program we talk about “happy, joyous and free”.  I am happy, I’ve found joy and best of all I am free to choose my own reality.  Thank GOD.

Dancing Through Darkness ~ Chiron Square Natal Sun

“Healing is not forcing the sun to shine, but letting go of that which blocks the light.” S. Levine.

Chiron is dancing around in several areas of my chart at this moment in time.  He’s square my natal sun and fading now but he’s still potent enough.  I wrote a little about this transit (see the interpretation below) in February and here we are back on topic.  I’d like to ignore this but in all honestly I can’t, especially as it has been brought to my attention in a big way.  I’m changing and part of this change is dealing with those areas of my life that have caused me grief for as long as I can remember.  Situations that have gone on for years and years are being dealt with.  I’m looking at them and putting them to bed.  I’m confirming that I do have my own fish to fry.

As a child I was not encouraged to think or speak freely.  I learned to keep my thoughts to myself.  I became very self-conscious and walked on a lot of egg shells.  I learned to listen to their “messages” and to conform to the situation I was in.  My motto could have been “Don’t rock the boat and keep your guard up”.  Those messages helped form the fear base on which I perched for years.   It was easier to adapt to what “they” wanted me to be because although I wasn’t up to “their” expectations I could do a pretty good job faking it.  And I, being the good daughter, sister, wife who had it hammered into her said to myself “As long as I can juggle and keep “them” happy I guess this is how the game is played so I’ll go along and be what you want if it keeps you off my back”.  Well, not any more.   I juggled way too long and gambled on the game.  I should have called time out a million times.  I might have avoided some of those pitfalls.  The time has finally come, though.  The game is over and I’m ready for some real life, my way.  For the past few weeks I’ve been walking the cobblestones of my mind nightly, cleaning cobwebs and facing old phantoms.  It is an interesting journey full of surprises.  Per Van Morrison:  “Down those old ancient streets, Down those old ancient roads………….Till we get the healing done, Till we get the healing done”.

Astrology has been a wonderful tool for helping me put so much in perspective.  I sometimes think if only I’d given more attention to the stars earlier in life things might have been different.  My belief that everything happens in its own time comes into play here though because I do know GOD had different plans for me.  NOW is My Time and it’s up to me to get the work finished.  It’s exciting !

Transiting Chiron square natal Sun
During this period of time you are going through a potentially painful process of examining and re-aligning your self-concept, possibly as a result of old wounds coming up for you. Early childhood episodes that in some way were damaging to your self-concept may come back to haunt you. It may also be that fresh experiences bring these issues to the fore, issues which could be related to your father or another significant mentor figure from your past. These figures can be an important part of our ego structure as we go through life. The reason such painful issues are reemerging into consciousness is for the purpose of healing these issues, and finally moving beyond them. You may find when you have gone through this process that you feel yourself coming into a broader view of your existence. It may even be that some of your ego needs are no longer quite so acute as before. There is a way in which ego serves the soul’s evolution and a way in which it just seems to get lodged like a boulder in the path of progress. Changes that strip away some facets of your ego may be good for you in the long run and serve to strengthen your true inner self-confidence, as a more well-rounded view of your life as a whole is revealed to you.

My gratitude goes out to those friends who have stuck with me without judgment and who have helped me, pushing and pulling at times, on my move forward.  I love you all.

What’s Dominating Your Destiny ?

Once you exercise fear and make it your practice, once you try resentment and make it your habit, once you employ aggression and make it routine, those actions will dominate your destiny. No matter how painfully you’ve been wronged, stand in love in the midst of a huge temptation to be vengeful, prideful or hold back. The real nature of love is that the person you think has betrayed you the most is actually an agent of the divine offering you the opportunity for grace.  ~ Mary Manin Morrissey

From firsthand experience I can only concur with what Mary Manin Morrissey is saying.  I’ll guarantee that by feeding and watering these “seeds of pain” they’ll grow quickly and become a part of your daily life.  (If you’re an active alcoholic you can even get an extra helping of Hurt that will go along nicely with your always increasing irritability and discontent).  Fertilize with plenty of Drama and just see how soul-sick you can become.  Those “seeds” will develop into a very healthy, extremely strong and toxic vine and it will work slowly on strangling its host, Your Spirit.  With a warped perspective, bad choices are made on a daily basis and you dig in deeper.  The people, places and things that are causing your discomfort aren’t going to go away unless you let them go; sent away with love, no conditions attached.

There is a paragraph in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous that reads “If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don’t really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don’t mean it, go ahead and do it  anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love.”   This seemed easy enough to me and I liked the part about even if you don’t want if for them or mean it,  because I didn’t.   I knew I had to start somewhere so I started out praying “GOD, bless the son of a bitch”.   Every day I prayed and slowly it changed.  After a couple of weeks my prayer had progressed and came to me in love.  It was softer, gentler and forgiving.   I realized I truly meant what I was saying; that it felt good.  I’d had a change.  I was freed from that resentment and allowed the 180 degree turn from darkness to light.   By the grace of GOD I was given a new outlook on the situation, realizing how much easier it is to approach a problem in love.

I haven’t by any means gotten this down to an exact science but I’m getting better at it.  There are days when I repeat the words “tranquility and serenity” over and over in my mind to keep these feelings away.  I’ve also prayed for many other “sons and daughters of bitches” since that day and I may have to pray it again.  Who know where my mind will try to take me if I get on the bus with it again.   I have to keep focused on the good and stay off the bad.  All  is well even when the boat starts to rock if I pause and think before I react.

Today I am aware of my connection to the Universe and I am more at peace with myself and others.  I’ll gladly take that over living in my mind while attaching negative emotions to negative thoughts, in turn creating inner turmoil and drama.  Life has taken a great turn and GOD continues to bless me beyond my wildest dreams.

photo:  http://www.csindy.com
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