A place for my thoughts

Posts tagged ‘Happiness’

A Perfect Day

033PS

There is no need to go to India or anywhere else to find peace. You will find that deep place of silence right in your room, your garden or even your bathtub.  ~ Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

I like where I am physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally today.  My mind is quiet, my thoughts are clear.  The desert is beautiful and today I’m enjoying it one moment at a time.  To feel so at peace is special.  I have no worries. I couldn’t ask for anything more.  Today I am blessed.

A Positive Direction

Whatever route others take to reach their personal nirvana is okay with me as long as they don’t try to drag me off my path.  I’m to the point where I can’t fight the obvious and obvious to me is that I need to keep on in the direction that feels right.  Many times over the past fifty-plus years I’ve wandered off course only to struggle, sometimes tremendously, to get back on track. I’ve wasted many moments and I’d like to spend the rest of my time on this planet being happily me. I want to be peaceful, loving and kind.  Above all, though, I want to stay free of that demon in a bottle; the greatest waste of my life.

Recently I’ve been contemplating my path; where I’ve been, where I am and where I’m headed.  It’s such a good feeling to instinctively know I’m moving along in a positive direction.  It’s certainly not free of bumps, this path.  Sometimes it even feels like a corduroy road but not at all as often as it used to.  The ride recently has been pretty smooth but a breeze is starting to blow in, trying its best to stir up some clouds and put a few puddles on my path.  I don’t think it’s going to storm but I’m keeping my eye on the horizon.

Transiting Uranus trine natal Saturn ~ The planetary energies flow smoothly; the connection is easy and beneficial.
This is a stressful time of great internal pressure upon the existing structure of your daily life, as unusually vivid insights or perhaps unexpected events threaten security and your feeling of status quo. You can usually deal well with the challenges you experience at this time, which tend to be productive of new awareness, rather than dilemmas impossible to solve. It can be a time of tremendous creativity in fact, as you incorporate new ideas into your existing system of values and possibly shed some outworn limitations overly restricting your behavior.  

 

Beginning to Unfold

I want to wish each and every one of you a fantastic New Year.  I  am really, really, really looking forward to what this year has to offer to each and every one of us in our Universe and to the unfolding of events in this time in space.

I’m on a good, pretty even keel.  The holidays came and went without any drama, family trauma, co-dependence or guilt.  It’s 2013 and we’re all still here, although the climate has changed.  There has been a shift in awareness with information coming through much more freely and what I consider incoming doesn’t involve “DUCK FOR COVER !!!”  This incoming is gentle and loving, opening my awareness and sharpening my senses.  Old ways are dissolving while at the same time something so totally new emerges.  It’s almost magical the way it is starting to softly cover the rough edges.  My seeking, soul-searching and looking for signs of what’s coming next (i.e. “heads up”) continues with great interest on my part.  I started to write about the experiences I had in my alcoholic, co-dependent and dysfunctional marriages.  After 4 agonizing days and 2,000 words I put a halt to it.  I dredged up memories and went backwards to where I don’t want to go right now.  It’s said that time heals*, after all, and those particular past issues** have almost been dealt with.  Almost is the key word here.  I know I need to look again but found myself starting to stare.  I will finish it but need to do so with all honesty so, for the moment, that story is on hold.

I’m “lightening my load” right now.  It’s a process, this cleaning up and cleaning out.  I used to spend a lot of time in thrift shops and at garage sales and made some money selling bits and pieces of vintage and antique items.  Trouble is I kept stuff and it added to the stuff I already had accumulated.  Then I acquired more stuff when my dad died and we cleaned 55 years out of his house.  That’s a lot of “stuff”.  It’s similar to what I’ve done in my life; just packing one experience, emotion or thought away and then stacking more on top without looking at what is underneath.  Pretty soon it’s stacked so high I forget what’s down there.  So anyway….  I came across a box of my old journals in the back of my closet.  (Stacked under…  of course.)  They go back to the late 70’s.  I randomly started reading something I’d written in 2004 and finally had to stop just to digest the whole experience.  At that time I was starting to question certain aspects and beliefs in my life.  To have this reference point and to be able to see where I am now is really rather amazing.  Thank GOD for faith.  That’s what got me here.  My emotional load has balanced out along the way as I’ve dumped old views, thoughts and feelings.  I’ve learned to know that when The Committee goes into session it’s time to sit, breathe, center and focus on being still.  I’m being attentive and going with each new realization and revelation I receive.  I know deep down that it wouldn’t  be wise to ignore them.  I’ve spent years not listening to what I knew was right.  NOW is my time.  Being propelled towards a New Me is one of the most exciting things I have ever experienced.

* Transitting Mercury Square Chiron ,  **Chiron Square Natal Sun

The Edge

(Chiron Trine Natal Chiron*)

I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over.  Out on the edge you see all the kinds of things you can’t see from the center. ~ Kurt Vonnegut

NASA Photo http://saturn.jpl.nasa.gov/multimedia/images/saturn/images/IMG002314.jpg

I wish I could come up with a brilliant quote like this one.  It rings true to me and aptly explains how I feel.  I’m able to imagine how it would be to stand on the edge of one of Saturn’s rings and absorb the wonders of The Universe.  Although I can only envision the sights I would take in I’m just grateful I have my imagination and a link to the NASA website.

I’m at a point in my life where I want to go to the edge.  My mind is open and my curiosity strong.  I spent too many years in the center; playing it safe, being a chameleon, giving lip service and being controlled by one person or another. Having had guilt very frequently served to me on a silver platter I paid for it dearly in dis-ease.  Now I’m continuing my education in this University of Life.  I get to choose my courses and I am truly happy, enjoying this time in my life.

When I talk about going to the edge I’m not referring to out of control as in ” OMG she went over the edge this time”.  I’m talking getting to my edge, my “jumping off” place.  It’s about walking past old fears and old habits, which means being open to new ideas, different thoughts, spiritual growth, psychic impressions, people of like mind, insights and listening to my dreams, to name a few.  It means I can have my own GOD/Saviour, with whom I am at ease, and know that Love is always with me, that GOD is always in me.  I want to learn much more about things that resonate to and with me. Going to the edge  also means I can be myself, speak my truths; have my own opinions without fearing reproach and it means I can stay in my pajamas until 2:00 without any guilt.  In turn, it lets other people live their lives without my judgement upon them, their beliefs and opinions.  We all need to make our own mistakes.

My view is much clearer view since I started this journey.  I am becoming my authentic self  while I quietly mature.  Better late than never.  I realize I am holding much more  tolerance , understanding and compassion,  as well as holding my tongue.  Nothing much surprises me anymore.  I like getting to my edge, jumping off and finding there’s something even better waiting for me, purer and more refined, when I land.

*Transiting Chiron in trine with natal Chiron ~ The planetary energies flow smoothly; the connection is easy and beneficial. 

You are likely to be going through a period of transition. You are in the process of getting in touch with yourself, and this can be extremely rewarding as well as a necessary part of your evolution. This could be a time when strange events force upon you an intimation of other worlds, a broader perspective than that of ordinary reality, perhaps a taste of the transpersonal world of shamanism and magic. It also may be a time for re-examination of some painful issues that could be part of your make-up and possibly have been holding you back until now. Usually some issues from early childhood that were too painful to deal with in their era, and that have become repressed and remain lodged in your unconscious, come up during this period of time, perhaps brought on by recent events. Long repressed feelings may be difficult and painful to deal with, but there is a rich reward for getting in touch with these walled-off areas in order to become more whole. You can achieve a much greater degree of self-acceptance and ease once you have made the dark journey of discovery to find what lies within that space. (TimePassages www.astrograph.com)

Getting “Past” Gone

Dwell not on the past. Use it to illustrate a point, then leave it behind. Nothing really matters except what you do now in this instant of time. From this moment onwards you can be an entirely different person, filled with love and understanding, ready with an outstretched hand, uplifted and positive in every thought and deed.  ~  Eileen Caddy

Some of my helpers.....

I like to take a good look at my past on occasion in order to gauge how far I have progressed.  Staring or dwelling upon it for any reason other than gleaning it’s lessons does not work for me.  I do not need to fall into a “could have, would have, should have” condition.  That’s a short road to a long depression if I decide to go there.  As long as I do  the next right thing now and keep love and kindness close to my heart I continue to evolve.  Developing into who I am at this moment in time has been slow but steady.  My mind, as well as my horizon, has expanded, becoming open and accepting of almost everything put in my path.  Negativity, dark thoughts and unbecoming action are quietly being left in the dust of the past and I continue to move forward.  The rest of this life is stretched before me like a canvas; waiting for me to pick up my brush.  I hope to create my masterpiece.

Transforming With Mercury Square Chiron ~ Time Heals

Our past is neither an accident nor a mistake. We have been where we needed to be, with the necessary people. We can embrace our history, with its pain, its imperfections, its mistakes, even its tragedies. It is uniquely ours; it was intended just for us. Today, we are right where we need to be. Our present circumstances are exactly as they need to be,  for now. ~ Melody Beattie

Transiting Mercury in Square with Natal Chiron

For this brief period of time, you will become more conscious of the energy for personal transformation and healing in your life. This will likely mean exposing some form of deep-seated pain for the purpose of working through old issues and ultimately healing these issues. During this brief period of time, you may be blessed to provide the impetus for healing to others. You may also feel healing energy come into your life from a meeting with another person during the course of this transit. It may also be that communication with other people brings to light certain areas of your psyche that you would rather not have exposed, and that can be quite painful for you to connect with. But getting in touch with these areas is for your ultimate benefit, for the more integration you can achieve within your psyche, the more whole you are and the more you can bring yourself forward to be of help to other people on the same journey of discovery.

My daughter said “Mom, it’s okay to look at the past.  Just don’t stare too hard”.   I consider this good advice.  Staring tends to made me maudlin and depressed so no, I  haven’t been staring,  I’ve just been reflecting on where I am today while realizing that I’m actually happy with myself and others.

Way back when, in Time Passed, I made mistakes I should have learned from.  Except I didn’t.  I continued to exercise the same behavior over and over again.  I thought I could change outcomes because I was different, special or whatever.   If I’d been wiser and given more thought to what I was doing I might have avoided the pain that continued to compound.   I was, however,  incapable of rational thought as dependence fed the addiction that pushed me to practice insanity.  I didn’t have to practice too hard, either.  It quickly became rather natural; sometimes with its own language and invisible friends included at no extra charge.  When I look at where I started, where I went and how great my life is today I’m grateful that Passed is gone and that the gap between then and now is getting wider each day.

NOW, I understand, that Time Passed continually makes me Me.  I am the sum of my experiences, in constant motion with change and growth.  There have been so many good times;  happy times I remember with warm thoughts, smiles and joyful tears as well as those sad days, those periods of pain, fear, anger and drama.  Those times can’t be changed but as long as I can accept every bit of it, good and bad, for what it is/was and know I’m okay, it’s fine.  I also know it could have been worse.  I could be dead.

My Life Time NOW is filled with healing and love, friends that stayed true and new ones, too.  I have my health and my happiness is free.  My circle is widening and includes such a wide array of people, many of whom I could have never guessed would have blessed me with their presence in my life.  A whole new world has opened up to me.  There is so much in NOW.  My children and grandchildren have blessed my life more than I could ever have thought or wished for.  I have a fantastic relationship with a mentally healthy person.  In the program we talk about “happy, joyous and free”.  I am happy, I’ve found joy and best of all I am free to choose my own reality.  Thank GOD.

Affirming My Thoughts

Affirmations are really anything that we say or think. Our thoughts create our feelings, beliefs, and experiences. Too often they are negative. We say, “I don’t want this in my life” or “I don’t want to be sick anymore” or “I hate my job”. If we want to change or manifest something in our lives, we must state what we do want.  We must affirm that we are willing to see ourselves or our lives in a different perspective. Thus, we can change our experiences by first changing our thoughts.   ~ Louise Hay

If like attracts like then Negativity attracts itself.  I know it can breed with amazing speed, just like The Flu.  It can create a very Sick Puppy.  But unlike The Flu the person with the downtrodden, negative or bummer attitude usually doesn’t even know it’s there.  It is so ingrained in their thought patterns it seems “natural” to them.

I’m sure you know someone like this.  There’s the person I don’t want to run into when I’m in a hurry because my casual, “Hi!  How are you?” usually elicits a reply that I’m 99% sure is going to be a (long) story about A Bummer.   Or, there’s the guy who has had the Same Problems, Different Day for way too long.  He’s still beating his head against the wall;  hasn’t done a thing about changing his ways and has no idea why his life sucks.  I know women and men who have been in dysfunctional and co-dependent relationships forever who constantly complain about their  situations but can’t bring themselves to leave.  Their heads can’t wrap around the fact that they could be happier if they would just stop controlling, being controlled or both  (Just Say NO!  No More! ).   These are just a few examples but these are behaviors I’m familiar with.

Affirmations are an effective way for me to keep Negativity at bay.  When I came out of my “Coma” I started to listen and learn.  I realized there was more to life than being on The Pity Pot and Hitting My Head Against the Wall While Trying to Orchestrate it All.   I learned that words are powerful and using negatives such as No, Not, Don’t, Can’t and Won’t (to name just a few)only hindered my progress.    By using a positive approach with affirmative words and actions I am able to process my thoughts and feelings and turn “it” around which, in turn, prevents The Flu . I don’t want to spread any Germs.   I’m not perfect but I’m making progress.  I’m happy, healthy and whole today.   For this I am truly grateful.

Happiness is a Decision

“Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.”

That old maxim, quoted above, was in an email I received this morning.  I was surprised because I woke up thinking about the sections of my life.  Mine is sliced into so many.   Several of what I’d call major parts I’d like to explore more since I think they hold a key to my evolution while I’m on this planet.  I keep putting this on the back burner.  My daughter… little Spunky… gave me some words of wisdom once.  “Mom”, she said, “It’s okay to look at the past; just don’t stare too hard.”  I’ve held these words very close as I still can buy into some of the “fruits of my stares” and then allow them to room in my head (AGAIN).    They are getting easier to distinguish and dismiss as Lies I Tell to Myself.    Lies I Tell to Myself are just that; negative, useless, senseless, baseless lies all about me to me so me can beat me up, again.  I recognize that.  It used to come in the guise of lack of self esteem.  These days it only tries to sneak in when I’m not paying attention.

In 2003 my life took a(nother) turn.   A death re-birthed me although through my blur I didn’t really realize it right away.  I felt nothing but forms of guilt, fear and anger.  I wallowed in my pain.  Major depression settled on me.  Happiness was not found in my vocabulary, much less my life.  When I finally hit the rock hard bottom and there was nothing left to do but climb up or die I decided to live.  I decided to climb.  I decided… making those decisions one little step at a time; making my mind up to be happy and as free from negative influences as possible.  Happiness is not one of those Lies I Tell to Myself.   Happiness feels good and the (recovering) addict/alcoholic me wants to feel that high.  I am not dead.  I am sober and I am happy.    

Happy Trails !!

Trust Your Intuition

Photo: http://katenasser.com/new-leaders-develop-your-intuition/

I feel there are two people inside me – me and my intuition. If I go against her, she’ll screw me every time, and if I follow her, we get along quite nicely.”   ~ Kim Basinger

 When I’ve failed to listen to that “little voice” or the “feeling” that emanates from my na`au (solar plexus)  I can say with certainty that I should have.  “She screwed me every time.”

My ability to make the right decision and do the next right thing is progressing.  My intuition with people has developed  from Life Experiences on so many different levels over the years.  These Experiences also include making wrong choices…  often making those same choices over and over again just trying to get a different result.  That “little voice” would scream NO NO NO NOT AGAIN!  But my will always took place over that voice.  My EGO (Easing God Out) was standing in my own way; blocking my path and the Sunlight of The Spirit.

When things starting clearing up and coming into focus for me I started to really hear that voice and began to listen to it.  Life began to change slowly and with resolution.   Doing the right thing for me is my reality today.  I don’t do the same things over and over again expecting different results.  I found out that’s insanity.

My intuition can tell me when to say yes and when to say no; when to go and when to stay; to think before I speak even if it means biting a hole in my lower lip and to compromise instead of having to have it my way only.  Using my intuition has saved me a lot of grief.  I have opened doors that are beyond my wildest dreams because I just knew to open them.  Other doors have shut.  I haven’t tried to unlock them because I just know they’re shut for good, and that’s okay.  Situations arise where something will be presented to me and I ‘ll need to respondIf it’s someone else’s drama or problem, of their own creation or not,  my sense of knowing how to respond has sharpened.  If it’s my problem I will own it and can usually instinctively handle it without drama or added problems.  I still don’t always respond “properly” but hey, nobody’s perfect.  I’m just striving for progress here and it’s all part of the journey.  Trusting my intuition has increased my potential for living Life to it’s fullest.

Allergic to Assholes

“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.” ~William Gibson

When I saw this quote I had to laugh.  It is SO true.  I can’t believe the times, over and over and over again,  I allowed “Others” to feed me much of the bullshit I’ve bought into in this life.  I have also been one of the assholes I’ve surrounded myself with and I filled my own mind with more of the same. 

It’s all become so clear lately.  So, I’m being much kinder to myself as well as weeding out the assholes in my world.   If I run into one I can usually spot “it” in an instant.  I don’t want them around me anymore.  I don’t want any negativity or drama in my life.   I refuse to buy into these acts and pretend it’s okay when it’s not.  I don’t want any controlling, manipulating individuals in my space.  They are leaving me or I am leaving them; most are gone and I don’t miss them.  They have been let go with love, a big smile and a “hope you find what you need but you aren’t playing with me like that anymore”.   I need my mental health and without that drag on my psyche I am free.  I define myself by a little old DOS acronym.  WYSIWYG.  What you see is what you get.  I also subscribe to this old saying:  “What other people think about me is none of my business”.   It helps to make it even easier to detach. 

%d bloggers like this: