Surrender to Win

When we surrender to God, we surrender to something bigger than ourselves – to a universe that knows what it’s doing. When we stop trying to control events they fall into a natural order, an order that works. We’re at rest while a power much greater than our own takes over, and it does a much better job than we cold have done. We learn to trust that the power that holds galaxies together can handle the circumstance of our relatively little lives.  ~ Marianne Williamson

Reminder to Me:

When I start to look at the Big Picture and, once again, realize I am unable to even comprehend how Big the Picture really is,  I have to acknowledge the fact that my life and it’s circumstance are microscopic in comparison.  I have imposed my will inappropriately many times over many years and it has brought me nothing but trouble. I now know I have a better chance if I let GOD sort things out.  When my EGO  wants to run the show and I begin to think in terms of orchestration and control I am now able to recognize it sooner and, if I’m smart,  I immediately surrender to win.    

I let it go.  I give it away with Love and trust the outcome.

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Allow Me To Accept ~ Balance Me With Love

G.O.D. ~
Allow me to accept
Other people’s families, fears
Delusions, denials and insecurities
As belonging to them.  Not me.

Let me recognize
How my thoughts and actions affect my relationships.
If they are healthy then please let me nurture them.
But if they’re toxic allow them immediate release.

Please balance me with Love
While I continue this journey
Forward, in health and wholeness.
Amen.

A Note To An Alcoholic Friend

“I Didn’t Cause It, I Can’t Control It, I Can’t Cure It”

The 3 C’s of Alanon

It’s about jails, institutions and death.  It’s about pain and heartache and loneliness and anger and fear and resentment, to name a few.  It’s disrupting and heartbreaking and disgusting.  It’s the blackouts, the hangovers, the shakes and seizures and wondering what you did.  It’s the hell  you’re going through right now.  It consists of me saying I can’t do anything for you unless you’re ready to help yourself.  I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it and I can’t cure it.  I have compassion for what you’re going through but I cannot fix you.  Only you can make the decision to get on the road to recovery.  I pray you have a moment of clarity.  I don’t want to see you to die.  The ball is in your court. I hope you choose to play.

The Edge

(Chiron Trine Natal Chiron*)

I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over.  Out on the edge you see all the kinds of things you can’t see from the center. ~ Kurt Vonnegut

 http://saturn.jpl.nasa.gov/multimedia/images/saturn/images/IMG002314.jpg

I wish I could come up with a brilliant quote like this one.  It rings true to me and aptly explains how I feel.  I’m able to imagine how it would be to stand on the edge of one of Saturn’s rings and absorb the wonders of The Universe.  Although I can only envision the sights I would take in I’m just grateful I have my imagination and a link to the NASA website.

I’m at a point in my life where I want to go to the edge.  My mind is open and my curiosity strong.  I spent too many years in the center; playing it safe, being a chameleon, giving lip service and being controlled by one person or another. Having had guilt very frequently served to me on a silver platter I paid for it dearly in dis-ease.  Now I’m continuing my education in this University of Life.  I get to choose my courses and I am truly happy, enjoying this time in my life.

When I talk about going to the edge I’m not referring to out of control as in ” OMG she went over the edge this time”.  I’m talking getting to my edge, my “jumping off” place.  It’s about walking past old fears and old habits, which means being open to new ideas, different thoughts, spiritual growth, psychic impressions, people of like mind, insights and listening to my dreams, to name a few.  It means I can have my own GOD/Saviour, with whom I am at ease, and know that Love is always with me, that GOD is always in me.  I want to learn much more about things that resonate to and with me. Going to the edge  also means I can be myself, speak my truths; have my own opinions without fearing reproach and it means I can stay in my pajamas until 2:00 without any guilt.  In turn, it lets other people live their lives without my judgement upon them, their beliefs and opinions.  We all need to make our own mistakes.

My view is much clearer view since I started this journey.  I am becoming my authentic self  while I quietly mature.  Better late than never.  I realize I am holding much more  tolerance , understanding and compassion,  as well as holding my tongue.  Nothing much surprises me anymore.  I like getting to my edge, jumping off and finding there’s something even better waiting for me, purer and more refined, when I land.

*Transiting Chiron in trine with natal Chiron ~ The planetary energies flow smoothly; the connection is easy and beneficial. 

You are likely to be going through a period of transition. You are in the process of getting in touch with yourself, and this can be extremely rewarding as well as a necessary part of your evolution. This could be a time when strange events force upon you an intimation of other worlds, a broader perspective than that of ordinary reality, perhaps a taste of the transpersonal world of shamanism and magic. It also may be a time for re-examination of some painful issues that could be part of your make-up and possibly have been holding you back until now. Usually some issues from early childhood that were too painful to deal with in their era, and that have become repressed and remain lodged in your unconscious, come up during this period of time, perhaps brought on by recent events. Long repressed feelings may be difficult and painful to deal with, but there is a rich reward for getting in touch with these walled-off areas in order to become more whole. You can achieve a much greater degree of self-acceptance and ease once you have made the dark journey of discovery to find what lies within that space. (TimePassages www.astrograph.com)

Getting “Past” Gone

Dwell not on the past. Use it to illustrate a point, then leave it behind. Nothing really matters except what you do now in this instant of time. From this moment onwards you can be an entirely different person, filled with love and understanding, ready with an outstretched hand, uplifted and positive in every thought and deed.  ~  Eileen Caddy

I like to take a good look at my past on occasion in order to gauge how far I have progressed.  Staring or dwelling upon it for any reason other than gleaning it’s lessons does not work for me.  I do not need to fall into a “could have, would have, should have” condition.  That’s a short road to a long depression if I decide to go there.  As long as I do  the next right thing now and keep love and kindness close to my heart I continue to evolve.  Developing into who I am at this moment in time has been slow but steady.  My mind, as well as my horizon, has expanded, becoming open and accepting of almost everything put in my path.  Negativity, dark thoughts and unbecoming action are quietly being left in the dust of the past and I continue to move forward.  The rest of this life is stretched before me like a canvas; waiting for me to pick up my brush.  I hope to create my masterpiece.

G.O.D. and E.G.O.

I found her clinging to a rock at Pohoiki

I was listening to a podcast the other day and heard someone comment that “GOD speaks to us through one another”. I agree. On many occasions GOD has offered me the right words to speak when they are needed or they are spoken to me through someone else at exactly the right time. However, when I’m not in a “fit condition” mentally, spiritually and emotionally there is another force that just wants to be in charge of everything. That force is EGO. When I’m into EGO I’m unable to work well with GOD.

At some time along the way someone said GOD is an acronym for Good Orderly Direction while EGO is Easing God Out.  I’ve always liked that.  It makes sense to me that putting EGO before GOD blocks, blurs and distorts all matters of Spirit and defeats the true self. My belief that GOD resides within me gives me the power to recognize EGO problems.  Refusing that recognition is a denial of what GOD needs done.  Being aware of how EGO affects my whole being…  my Good Orderly Direction…  keeps me more comfortable with the “shedding process” and the new aspects of self that continue to emerge.

Dancing Through Darkness ~ Chiron Square Natal Sun

“Healing is not forcing the sun to shine, but letting go of that which blocks the light.” S. Levine.

Chiron is dancing around in several areas of my chart at this moment in time.  He’s square my natal sun and fading now but he’s still potent enough.  I wrote a little about this transit (see the interpretation below) in February and here we are back on topic.  I’d like to ignore this but in all honestly I can’t, especially as it has been brought to my attention in a big way.  I’m changing and part of this change is dealing with those areas of my life that have caused me grief for as long as I can remember.  Situations that have gone on for years and years are being dealt with.  I’m looking at them and putting them to bed.  I’m confirming that I do have my own fish to fry.

As a child I was not encouraged to think or speak freely.  I learned to keep my thoughts to myself.  I became very self-conscious and walked on a lot of egg shells.  I learned to listen to their “messages” and to conform to the situation I was in.  My motto could have been “Don’t rock the boat and keep your guard up”.  Those messages helped form the fear base on which I perched for years.   It was easier to adapt to what “they” wanted me to be because although I wasn’t up to “their” expectations I could do a pretty good job faking it.  And I, being the good daughter, sister, wife who had it hammered into her said to myself “As long as I can juggle and keep “them” happy I guess this is how the game is played so I’ll go along and be what you want if it keeps you off my back”.  Well, not any more.   I juggled way too long and gambled on the game.  I should have called time out a million times.  I might have avoided some of those pitfalls.  The time has finally come, though.  The game is over and I’m ready for some real life, my way.  For the past few weeks I’ve been walking the cobblestones of my mind nightly, cleaning cobwebs and facing old phantoms.  It is an interesting journey full of surprises.  Per Van Morrison:  “Down those old ancient streets, Down those old ancient roads………….Till we get the healing done, Till we get the healing done”.

Astrology has been a wonderful tool for helping me put so much in perspective.  I sometimes think if only I’d given more attention to the stars earlier in life things might have been different.  My belief that everything happens in its own time comes into play here though because I do know GOD had different plans for me.  NOW is My Time and it’s up to me to get the work finished.  It’s exciting !

Transiting Chiron square natal Sun
During this period of time you are going through a potentially painful process of examining and re-aligning your self-concept, possibly as a result of old wounds coming up for you. Early childhood episodes that in some way were damaging to your self-concept may come back to haunt you. It may also be that fresh experiences bring these issues to the fore, issues which could be related to your father or another significant mentor figure from your past. These figures can be an important part of our ego structure as we go through life. The reason such painful issues are reemerging into consciousness is for the purpose of healing these issues, and finally moving beyond them. You may find when you have gone through this process that you feel yourself coming into a broader view of your existence. It may even be that some of your ego needs are no longer quite so acute as before. There is a way in which ego serves the soul’s evolution and a way in which it just seems to get lodged like a boulder in the path of progress. Changes that strip away some facets of your ego may be good for you in the long run and serve to strengthen your true inner self-confidence, as a more well-rounded view of your life as a whole is revealed to you.

My gratitude goes out to those friends who have stuck with me without judgment and who have helped me, pushing and pulling at times, on my move forward.  I love you all.

Attitude is Everything

I believe the single most significant decision I can make on a day-to-day basis is my choice of attitude. It is more important than my past, my education, my bankroll, my successes or failures, fame or pain, what other people think of me or say about me, my circumstances, or my position. Attitude is that “single string” that keeps me going or cripples my progress. It alone fuels my fire or assaults my hope. When my attitudes are right, there’s no barrier too high, no valley too deep, no dream too extreme, no challenge too great for me.  ~ Charles R. Swindoll

My attitude is healthy most of the time.  When it’s not well it kills my spirit and my progress.  It’s a guarantee that I’ll turn into a screaming banshee when my attitude is on the rocks.   I can become cocky, defensive, angry, fearful, a know-it-all, disagreeable, impolite, dissatisfied, surly or sullen.  I can play the passive aggressive game, the hard hearted game or rant and rave.  There are dozens of ways I can manifest that Bad Attitude and itwill always cripple me until I get a grip on it and change direction.

One thing I’ve learned is when I am not in good spiritual condition I tend to get a case of Bad Attitude.  It may not happen right away but it will crop up sooner than later.  This usually starts when I’m Too Busy to spend a few minutes with my GOD in morning meditation, prayer or reflection.  After a few days of Too Busy I will neglect my quiet time for a while longer; usually just long enough to get into a lovely upheaval of emotional pain.   I may start blaming other people or other things for my imbalance.  The mayhem I’ve created can only be cured by affirmative action on my part and only I have the power to choose when this cure starts.  Since I can recognize, as well as feel, the lousy position I’ve put myself in I am able to make the choice to change, start doing what I MUST and be back on track as quickly as possible.  If I have a bad case of Self Will (another topic for a post) it might take a little longer but I’ll get there.  When I’ve harmed someone with my unhealthy behavior then my actions need to be addressed and apologies are in order.   If I’ve only beat myself up I find it worthwhile to make those amends to me.

When I stand in love, have faith in the process and know that all is exactly the way it should be at this moment, as well as keeping a conscious contact with my GOD I am able to live in a Good Attitude.  Everything is calmer and I become comfortable with life again.  Time is so precious and life is so short that it’s a shame to waste any of it cultivating a Bad Attitude.   If you’re struggling with your attitude I humbly suggest you look for the moves you need to take to turn it around.  It’s so much easier to live, to just be, with a Good Attitude anda softer heart.

Never Give Up

When you get in a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.  – Harriet Beecher Stowe

How many times have you been in that tight place, ready to throw in the towel and quit ?  I know I’ve been there more than once but I’ve learned that although it is darkest before dawn the sun will  rise.

I had always put Myself in those “tight places”.  No one else did.  I could play the blame game and be the victim.  “He/She/You MADE me do it.  It’s all YOUR fault.  Poor me.  Look at the mess I’m in”.  My part in it wouldn’t come up because I was in such great denial.   “How dare you suggest I had any part in the predicament!”

I have spent a lot of time looking at how I reacted when I was in those situations.   I was angry, resentful and fearful.  My escapes turned into insanity.  My insanity created chaos which in turn would cause other situations to arise and the game continued, got worse. I liked to play with fire and finally fell into a Hell of my own making.   Fortunately, I finally experienced and embraced a “moment of clarity”.   GOD showed me the stairway and I became to climb out.

I know today that Nobody can make me do anything if I’m uncomfortable with it.  I don’t have to surrender to any kind of pressure.  I can say NO.  Being happy, joyous and free means more to me than anything else in this world.

Trust Your Intuition

Photo: http://katenasser.com/new-leaders-develop-your-intuition/

I feel there are two people inside me – me and my intuition. If I go against her, she’ll screw me every time, and if I follow her, we get along quite nicely.”   ~ Kim Basinger

 When I’ve failed to listen to that “little voice” or the “feeling” that emanates from my na`au (solar plexus)  I can say with certainty that I should have.  “She screwed me every time.”

My ability to make the right decision and do the next right thing is progressing.  My intuition with people has developed  from Life Experiences on so many different levels over the years.  These Experiences also include making wrong choices…  often making those same choices over and over again just trying to get a different result.  That “little voice” would scream NO NO NO NOT AGAIN!  But my will always took place over that voice.  My EGO (Easing God Out) was standing in my own way; blocking my path and the Sunlight of The Spirit.

When things starting clearing up and coming into focus for me I started to really hear that voice and began to listen to it.  Life began to change slowly and with resolution.   Doing the right thing for me is my reality today.  I don’t do the same things over and over again expecting different results.  I found out that’s insanity.

My intuition can tell me when to say yes and when to say no; when to go and when to stay; to think before I speak even if it means biting a hole in my lower lip and to compromise instead of having to have it my way only.  Using my intuition has saved me a lot of grief.  I have opened doors that are beyond my wildest dreams because I just knew to open them.  Other doors have shut.  I haven’t tried to unlock them because I just know they’re shut for good, and that’s okay.  Situations arise where something will be presented to me and I ‘ll need to respond.  If it’s someone else’s drama or problem, of their own creation or not,  my sense of knowing how to respond has sharpened.  If it’s my problem I will own it and can usually instinctively handle it without drama or added problems.  I still don’t always respond “properly” but hey, nobody’s perfect.  I’m just striving for progress here and it’s all part of the journey.  Trusting my intuition has increased my potential for living Life to it’s fullest.

Allergic to Assholes

“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.” ~William Gibson

When I saw this quote I had to laugh.  It is SO true.  I can’t believe the times, over and over and over again,  I allowed “Others” to feed me much of the bullshit I’ve bought into in this life.  I have also been one of the assholes I’ve surrounded myself with and I filled my own mind with more of the same. 

It’s all become so clear lately.  So, I’m being much kinder to myself as well as weeding out the assholes in my world.   If I run into one I can usually spot “it” in an instant.  I don’t want them around me anymore.  I don’t want any negativity or drama in my life.   I refuse to buy into these acts and pretend it’s okay when it’s not.  I don’t want any controlling, manipulating individuals in my space.  They are leaving me or I am leaving them; most are gone and I don’t miss them.  They have been let go with love, a big smile and a “hope you find what you need but you aren’t playing with me like that anymore”.   I need my mental health and without that drag on my psyche I am free.  I define myself by a little old DOS acronym.  WYSIWYG.  What you see is what you get.  I also subscribe to this old saying:  “What other people think about me is none of my business”.   It helps to make it even easier to detach. 

Spunky Is as Spunky Does

Spunky’s Menpachi

Spunky came over yesterday morning and showed up again today.  When she’s like a tornado on a railroad track her mind becomes so focused she’s either extremely IN THE BOX with the lid on or she’s so OUT OF THE BOX it’s hard to comprehend how she’s reached her conclusions.  ADD and brilliance shake up to become a dynamo of energy.  I watch her spin, go, do, RE-DO, re-think,  and pray that she’ll come out of this one a little more enlightened to LIFE ON LIFE’S TERMS.

While contemplating my role as Mother in this continuing saga of my adult child I’ve come to conclusions I don’t really like although they are necessary for her growth as well as mine.  We are joined at a level that runs so deep in our souls.  I believe we have been doing this dance for eons; watching it change, grow, evolve.  I also believe it is time to make a move to start the healing at a level I can’t even really understand at this moment.  I just feel it coming on.  Changes are in the air.  The interesting thing is that I know she is feeling it, too.  We are  “on the same wavelength”.  These changes are good, healing and pure.  I know we will flow through our transition and come out the other side closer than ever but with a better understanding of each other.   Without change there is no growth and without growth their is no change.