A place for my thoughts

Posts tagged ‘Choice’

Allow Me To Accept ~ Balance Me With Love

G.O.D. ~
Allow me to accept
Other people’s families, fears
Delusions, denials and insecurities
As belonging to them.  Not me.

Let me recognize
How my thoughts and actions affect my relationships.
If they are healthy then please let me nurture them.
But if they’re toxic allow them immediate release.

Please balance me with Love
While I continue this journey
Forward, in health and wholeness.
Amen.

A Note To An Alcoholic Friend

“I Didn’t Cause It, I Can’t Control It, I Can’t Cure It”

The 3 C’s of Alanon

It’s about jails, institutions and death.  It’s about pain and heartache and loneliness and anger and fear and resentment, to name a few.  It’s disrupting and heartbreaking and disgusting.  It’s the blackouts, the hangovers, the shakes and seizures and wondering what you did.  It’s the hell  you’re going through right now.  It consists of me saying I can’t do anything for you unless you’re ready to help yourself.  I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it and I can’t cure it.  I have compassion for what you’re going through but I cannot fix you.  Only you can make the decision to get on the road to recovery.  I pray you have a moment of clarity.  I don’t want to see you to die.  The ball is in your court. I hope you choose to play.

Enough To Need

This is what my E.G.O. needed to hear today; a confirmation to to be vigilant, to move along with Growth/Change and keep my thoughts of G.O.D positive and directed to the forefront.  It’s all about Love… of self and others.  I want to impact the lives of those around me for the better.  Revelations keep coming.  Right now they seem to be carrying quite a “jolt” as they try to settle in and can be a bit upsetting.  I’ve been consciously breathing and trying to keep my mind from taking control and distorting the facts.  I need to remember not to react adversely while sorting this all out.   If I begin to think I finally have Life under my control I’d make poor choices (again), act out in a passive-aggressive manner (again) and just generally upset the old apple cart (again). Then I am nothing more than a selfish, EGOtistical waste of my time and energy because I know better now.  There are no excuses.  The bottom line is I wouldn’t stop these Processes even if I could. They’re moving me closer to my destiny.

ENOUGH TO NEED

Dear GOD,
Never allow me to think that I have
Knowledge enough to need no teaching,
Wisdom enough to need no corrections,
Talents enough to need no grace,
Goodness enough to need no progress,
Humility enough to need no repentance,
Devotion enough to need no improvement,
Strength sufficient with Thy Spirit lest, standing still,
I fall back forevermore.

From the 12th Step Prayer Book, Prayer #26

 

Beginning to Unfold

I want to wish each and every one of you a fantastic New Year.  I  am really, really, really looking forward to what this year has to offer to each and every one of us in our Universe and to the unfolding of events in this time in space.

I’m on a good, pretty even keel.  The holidays came and went without any drama, family trauma, co-dependence or guilt.  It’s 2013 and we’re all still here, although the climate has changed.  There has been a shift in awareness with information coming through much more freely and what I consider incoming doesn’t involve “DUCK FOR COVER !!!”  This incoming is gentle and loving, opening my awareness and sharpening my senses.  Old ways are dissolving while at the same time something so totally new emerges.  It’s almost magical the way it is starting to softly cover the rough edges.  My seeking, soul-searching and looking for signs of what’s coming next (i.e. “heads up”) continues with great interest on my part.  I started to write about the experiences I had in my alcoholic, co-dependent and dysfunctional marriages.  After 4 agonizing days and 2,000 words I put a halt to it.  I dredged up memories and went backwards to where I don’t want to go right now.  It’s said that time heals*, after all, and those particular past issues** have almost been dealt with.  Almost is the key word here.  I know I need to look again but found myself starting to stare.  I will finish it but need to do so with all honesty so, for the moment, that story is on hold.

I’m “lightening my load” right now.  It’s a process, this cleaning up and cleaning out.  I used to spend a lot of time in thrift shops and at garage sales and made some money selling bits and pieces of vintage and antique items.  Trouble is I kept stuff and it added to the stuff I already had accumulated.  Then I acquired more stuff when my dad died and we cleaned 55 years out of his house.  That’s a lot of “stuff”.  It’s similar to what I’ve done in my life; just packing one experience, emotion or thought away and then stacking more on top without looking at what is underneath.  Pretty soon it’s stacked so high I forget what’s down there.  So anyway….  I came across a box of my old journals in the back of my closet.  (Stacked under…  of course.)  They go back to the late 70’s.  I randomly started reading something I’d written in 2004 and finally had to stop just to digest the whole experience.  At that time I was starting to question certain aspects and beliefs in my life.  To have this reference point and to be able to see where I am now is really rather amazing.  Thank GOD for faith.  That’s what got me here.  My emotional load has balanced out along the way as I’ve dumped old views, thoughts and feelings.  I’ve learned to know that when The Committee goes into session it’s time to sit, breathe, center and focus on being still.  I’m being attentive and going with each new realization and revelation I receive.  I know deep down that it wouldn’t  be wise to ignore them.  I’ve spent years not listening to what I knew was right.  NOW is my time.  Being propelled towards a New Me is one of the most exciting things I have ever experienced.

* Transitting Mercury Square Chiron ,  **Chiron Square Natal Sun

The Edge

(Chiron Trine Natal Chiron*)

I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over.  Out on the edge you see all the kinds of things you can’t see from the center. ~ Kurt Vonnegut

NASA Photo http://saturn.jpl.nasa.gov/multimedia/images/saturn/images/IMG002314.jpg

I wish I could come up with a brilliant quote like this one.  It rings true to me and aptly explains how I feel.  I’m able to imagine how it would be to stand on the edge of one of Saturn’s rings and absorb the wonders of The Universe.  Although I can only envision the sights I would take in I’m just grateful I have my imagination and a link to the NASA website.

I’m at a point in my life where I want to go to the edge.  My mind is open and my curiosity strong.  I spent too many years in the center; playing it safe, being a chameleon, giving lip service and being controlled by one person or another. Having had guilt very frequently served to me on a silver platter I paid for it dearly in dis-ease.  Now I’m continuing my education in this University of Life.  I get to choose my courses and I am truly happy, enjoying this time in my life.

When I talk about going to the edge I’m not referring to out of control as in ” OMG she went over the edge this time”.  I’m talking getting to my edge, my “jumping off” place.  It’s about walking past old fears and old habits, which means being open to new ideas, different thoughts, spiritual growth, psychic impressions, people of like mind, insights and listening to my dreams, to name a few.  It means I can have my own GOD/Saviour, with whom I am at ease, and know that Love is always with me, that GOD is always in me.  I want to learn much more about things that resonate to and with me. Going to the edge  also means I can be myself, speak my truths; have my own opinions without fearing reproach and it means I can stay in my pajamas until 2:00 without any guilt.  In turn, it lets other people live their lives without my judgement upon them, their beliefs and opinions.  We all need to make our own mistakes.

My view is much clearer view since I started this journey.  I am becoming my authentic self  while I quietly mature.  Better late than never.  I realize I am holding much more  tolerance , understanding and compassion,  as well as holding my tongue.  Nothing much surprises me anymore.  I like getting to my edge, jumping off and finding there’s something even better waiting for me, purer and more refined, when I land.

*Transiting Chiron in trine with natal Chiron ~ The planetary energies flow smoothly; the connection is easy and beneficial. 

You are likely to be going through a period of transition. You are in the process of getting in touch with yourself, and this can be extremely rewarding as well as a necessary part of your evolution. This could be a time when strange events force upon you an intimation of other worlds, a broader perspective than that of ordinary reality, perhaps a taste of the transpersonal world of shamanism and magic. It also may be a time for re-examination of some painful issues that could be part of your make-up and possibly have been holding you back until now. Usually some issues from early childhood that were too painful to deal with in their era, and that have become repressed and remain lodged in your unconscious, come up during this period of time, perhaps brought on by recent events. Long repressed feelings may be difficult and painful to deal with, but there is a rich reward for getting in touch with these walled-off areas in order to become more whole. You can achieve a much greater degree of self-acceptance and ease once you have made the dark journey of discovery to find what lies within that space. (TimePassages www.astrograph.com)

We Are Not Alone

We are being led. We are not alone. Our Higher Power is working Its finest and best to bring true change in us. Others have traveled this road too. We will be led to someone who can help us, someone who can provide the markers we need. We are being prepared for receiving as much joy and love as our heart can hold. ~ Melody Beattie

August 6 - 9, 2010 022 ps

There have been many times in my life where I have felt trapped, alone or abandoned with nowhere to turn and nowhere to hide. It’s impossible to hide from yourself unless you are anesthetized and out cold. And that is only temporary. Once the lights come on it only gets worse. This is not a speculation on my part. It’s the truth as I learned it. It’s a different story today. I am not in my disease and I have spent, and still spend a lot of time recovering from it in one way or another. I accept that I am the sum of all my experiences, good and bad.

I remember in order to forget, in order to move through those cobwebs that would like to cling to my being like sticky little bits of cotton candy. I could stop and wallow in some of those old patterns and pities. I could bow to low self-esteem and self hate. Maybe I could twist up some resentments and anger. Or how about jealousy and rage, lies and deceit ? Oh ! I forgot drama. Lots of drama. Yeah ? I don’t think so. I could but I won’t. I’ve grown and changed over the years and that behavior isn’t in my life any longer. It tries to slip sneakily in. But I need to remember what it was like, not to become too comfortable and let my guard slip.

Remembering where the Past has taken me brings me to the Present and the gifts I receive daily. Waking Up (not Coming To), watching the sunrise from my lanai, having time to just be or create, my beautiful children and grandchildren, other family and friends, fantastic times with the man I love, working in my garden, traveling to places I never imagined, living in beauty by the ocean and being at relative peace with myself and others are just some of the gifts only a truly magnificent G.O.D. could give me. I felt, at a time passed, that I was undeserving of such gifts. Today I can smile and say “Thank You” while I accept these Blessings from Above.

Attitude is Everything

change-your-attitude

I believe the single most significant decision I can make on a day-to-day basis is my choice of attitude. It is more important than my past, my education, my bankroll, my successes or failures, fame or pain, what other people think of me or say about me, my circumstances, or my position. Attitude is that “single string” that keeps me going or cripples my progress. It alone fuels my fire or assaults my hope. When my attitudes are right, there’s no barrier too high, no valley too deep, no dream too extreme, no challenge too great for me.  ~ Charles R. Swindoll

My attitude is healthy most of the time.  When it’s not well it kills my spirit and my progress.  It’s a guarantee that I’ll turn into a screaming banshee when my attitude is on the rocks.   I can become cocky, defensive, angry, fearful, a know-it-all, disagreeable, impolite, dissatisfied, surly or sullen.  I can play the passive aggressive game, the hard hearted game or rant and rave.  There are dozens of ways I can manifest that Bad Attitude and itwill always cripple me until I get a grip on it and change direction.

One thing I’ve learned is when I am not in good spiritual condition I tend to get a case of Bad Attitude.  It may not happen right away but it will crop up sooner than later.  This usually starts when I’m Too Busy to spend a few minutes with my GOD in morning meditation, prayer or reflection.  After a few days of Too Busy I will neglect my quiet time for a while longer; usually just long enough to get into a lovely upheaval of emotional pain.   I may start blaming other people or other things for my imbalance.  The mayhem I’ve created can only be cured by affirmative action on my part and only I have the power to choose when this cure starts.  Since I can recognize, as well as feel, the lousy position I’ve put myself in I am able to make the choice to change, start doing what I MUST and be back on track as quickly as possible.  If I have a bad case of Self Will (another topic for a post) it might take a little longer but I’ll get there.  When I’ve harmed someone with my unhealthy behavior then my actions need to be addressed and apologies are in order.   If I’ve only beat myself up I find it worthwhile to make those amends to me.

When I stand in love, have faith in the process and know that all is exactly the way it should be at this moment, as well as keeping a conscious contact with my GOD I am able to live in a Good Attitude.  Everything is calmer and I become comfortable with life again.  Time is so precious and life is so short that it’s a shame to waste any of it cultivating a Bad Attitude.   If you’re struggling with your attitude I humbly suggest you look for the moves you need to take to turn it around.  It’s so much easier to live, to just be, with a Good Attitude anda softer heart.

Diligence, Knowledge and Detail – The Eight of Pentacles

Spiral Tarot – Kay Steventon

I haven’t pulled a card for a while now.  I had the urge this morning and quietly sat and asked for some clarification on where I’m heading at this point in time.  I was given the Eight of Pentacles.  This card really applies to where I am at this moment in time.   I’ve listed it’s actions below.

I have been busy, seeing some results.  I’m making efforts, as well as progress, in many areas of my life.  I’m working on my posts; enjoying the exercise.  It helps to keep my mind functioning at something productive.  As for knowledge, Well Wow !!!  Astrology is fascinating and I study it as much as I can.  I can’t seem to get enough.  I don’t profess to be expert but I’m getting better and I believe it is right for me.  If I don’t know “what the hell is going on”  I can call my Wise Friend and she will help me make sense of it.  Having a “heads up” of what is happening in my world gives me a choice to make changes or at least the sense to go with the flow knowing  “this too shall pass”.  I sometimes laugh when I find myself wishing I’d been at this point years ago.  I might have avoided some costly “mistakes” and marriages !  Oh well….  It is how my path is playing out.  You know…  everything for a reason !  Last but not least we have details.    Spunky would say I’m overboard in this area.  I can be lax but not when it really matters.  It might be that I am overlooking something and need to be more aware.

I’m happy with this card today.  It affirms what I feel.

Showing Diligence
  • making an effort
  • working hard
  • applying yourself totally
  • being absorbed in a project
  • dedicating yourself to a task
  • plugging away
  • producing steady results
 
Increasing Knowledge
  • taking a course
  • learning a new craft or skill
  • receiving training
  • pursuing greater understanding
  • researching
  • finding out the facts
  • increasing expertise
 
Paying Attention to Detail
  • being painstaking
  • being extra careful
  • approaching a task methodically
  • getting down to the nitty-gritty
  • handling all the loose ends
  • checking and rechecking
  • noticing the fine points
 
http://www.learntarot.com/p8.htm
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