A place for my thoughts

Archive for April, 2012

Never Give Up

When you get in a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.  – Harriet Beecher Stowe

How many times have you been in that tight place, ready to throw in the towel and quit ?  I know I’ve been there more than once but I’ve learned that although it is darkest before dawn the sun will  rise.

I had always put Myself in those “tight places”.  No one else did.  I could play the blame game and be the victim.  “He/She/You MADE me do it.  It’s all YOUR fault.  Poor me.  Look at the mess I’m in”.  My part in it wouldn’t come up because I was in such great denial.   “How dare you suggest I had any part in the predicament!”

I have spent a lot of time looking at how I reacted when I was in those situations.   I was angry, resentful and fearful.  My escapes turned into insanity.  My insanity created chaos which in turn would cause other situations to arise and the game continued, got worse. I liked to play with fire and finally fell into a Hell of my own making.   Fortunately, I finally experienced and embraced a “moment of clarity”.   GOD showed me the stairway and I became to climb out.

I know today that Nobody can make me do anything if I’m uncomfortable with it.  I don’t have to surrender to any kind of pressure.  I can say NO.  Being happy, joyous and free means more to me than anything else in this world.



I’ve been thinking about my some of my girlfriends and how fortunate I am to have them in my life.   These women are like sisters to me.   I don’t see them very often now because they don’t live on this island.  We’re scattered all over  and I miss being able to get together with them.

My sisters mean the world to me.  They aren’t just fair weather friends.  Instead they are women who had an awareness of my problems and willingly stayed with me through some of my darkest days.  They watched me fall down, helped me get up and then gave me a hug.  They were my cheerleaders, my teachers.  They helped me regain my self esteem, to know it really was none of my business what other people thought of me and to move forward with confidence.  Through them I realized was not a victim and that I could do anything I put my mind to.  While others walked away these women didn’t.  I truly cherish them and hold them close to my heart.

These days we don’t communicate as often as I’d like.  We all seem to have “busy” lives and time just gets away.  This last Sunday I really meant to make a call.  First of all it was too early.  Then I got involved in a project.  I thought about it a couple of times while I was working but put it off and then it slipped my mind.  While I was rushing to get dinner together before “The Amazing Race” started I remembered again.  By  then it was later than I thought because I had become obsessed with my undertaking.  I had gotten “busy” and needless to say the call didn’t get made.

I lay in bed Sunday night and kept thinking about not making that call; realizing how I need to stay more in touch with my sisters.  I rely upon them when I need advise or a good laugh.  I want to hear about what they’re doing; how their children and grandkids are.  I want to listen when they need to talk.  Communication by phone is not like sitting on the beach or going out to dinner together but it’s better than not communicating at all.  Old friendships don’t go away but people do.  Most of us are 60+ and I want to keep our Sisterhood alive and well before we decided to start leaving.  I’d hate to think I didn’t make that last call because I was too “busy”.

Diligence, Knowledge and Detail – The Eight of Pentacles

Spiral Tarot – Kay Steventon

I haven’t pulled a card for a while now.  I had the urge this morning and quietly sat and asked for some clarification on where I’m heading at this point in time.  I was given the Eight of Pentacles.  This card really applies to where I am at this moment in time.   I’ve listed it’s actions below.

I have been busy, seeing some results.  I’m making efforts, as well as progress, in many areas of my life.  I’m working on my posts; enjoying the exercise.  It helps to keep my mind functioning at something productive.  As for knowledge, Well Wow !!!  Astrology is fascinating and I study it as much as I can.  I can’t seem to get enough.  I don’t profess to be expert but I’m getting better and I believe it is right for me.  If I don’t know “what the hell is going on”  I can call my Wise Friend and she will help me make sense of it.  Having a “heads up” of what is happening in my world gives me a choice to make changes or at least the sense to go with the flow knowing  “this too shall pass”.  I sometimes laugh when I find myself wishing I’d been at this point years ago.  I might have avoided some costly “mistakes” and marriages !  Oh well….  It is how my path is playing out.  You know…  everything for a reason !  Last but not least we have details.    Spunky would say I’m overboard in this area.  I can be lax but not when it really matters.  It might be that I am overlooking something and need to be more aware.

I’m happy with this card today.  It affirms what I feel.

Showing Diligence
  • making an effort
  • working hard
  • applying yourself totally
  • being absorbed in a project
  • dedicating yourself to a task
  • plugging away
  • producing steady results
Increasing Knowledge
  • taking a course
  • learning a new craft or skill
  • receiving training
  • pursuing greater understanding
  • researching
  • finding out the facts
  • increasing expertise
Paying Attention to Detail
  • being painstaking
  • being extra careful
  • approaching a task methodically
  • getting down to the nitty-gritty
  • handling all the loose ends
  • checking and rechecking
  • noticing the fine points

Affirming My Thoughts

Affirmations are really anything that we say or think. Our thoughts create our feelings, beliefs, and experiences. Too often they are negative. We say, “I don’t want this in my life” or “I don’t want to be sick anymore” or “I hate my job”. If we want to change or manifest something in our lives, we must state what we do want.  We must affirm that we are willing to see ourselves or our lives in a different perspective. Thus, we can change our experiences by first changing our thoughts.   ~ Louise Hay

If like attracts like then Negativity attracts itself.  I know it can breed with amazing speed, just like The Flu.  It can create a very Sick Puppy.  But unlike The Flu the person with the downtrodden, negative or bummer attitude usually doesn’t even know it’s there.  It is so ingrained in their thought patterns it seems “natural” to them.

I’m sure you know someone like this.  There’s the person I don’t want to run into when I’m in a hurry because my casual, “Hi!  How are you?” usually elicits a reply that I’m 99% sure is going to be a (long) story about A Bummer.   Or, there’s the guy who has had the Same Problems, Different Day for way too long.  He’s still beating his head against the wall;  hasn’t done a thing about changing his ways and has no idea why his life sucks.  I know women and men who have been in dysfunctional and co-dependent relationships forever who constantly complain about their  situations but can’t bring themselves to leave.  Their heads can’t wrap around the fact that they could be happier if they would just stop controlling, being controlled or both  (Just Say NO!  No More! ).   These are just a few examples but these are behaviors I’m familiar with.

Affirmations are an effective way for me to keep Negativity at bay.  When I came out of my “Coma” I started to listen and learn.  I realized there was more to life than being on The Pity Pot and Hitting My Head Against the Wall While Trying to Orchestrate it All.   I learned that words are powerful and using negatives such as No, Not, Don’t, Can’t and Won’t (to name just a few)only hindered my progress.    By using a positive approach with affirmative words and actions I am able to process my thoughts and feelings and turn “it” around which, in turn, prevents The Flu . I don’t want to spread any Germs.   I’m not perfect but I’m making progress.  I’m happy, healthy and whole today.   For this I am truly grateful.

Happiness is a Decision

“Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.”

That old maxim, quoted above, was in an email I received this morning.  I was surprised because I woke up thinking about the sections of my life.  Mine is sliced into so many.   Several of what I’d call major parts I’d like to explore more since I think they hold a key to my evolution while I’m on this planet.  I keep putting this on the back burner.  My daughter… little Spunky… gave me some words of wisdom once.  “Mom”, she said, “It’s okay to look at the past; just don’t stare too hard.”  I’ve held these words very close as I still can buy into some of the “fruits of my stares” and then allow them to room in my head (AGAIN).    They are getting easier to distinguish and dismiss as Lies I Tell to Myself.    Lies I Tell to Myself are just that; negative, useless, senseless, baseless lies all about me to me so me can beat me up, again.  I recognize that.  It used to come in the guise of lack of self esteem.  These days it only tries to sneak in when I’m not paying attention.

In 2003 my life took a(nother) turn.   A death re-birthed me although through my blur I didn’t really realize it right away.  I felt nothing but forms of guilt, fear and anger.  I wallowed in my pain.  Major depression settled on me.  Happiness was not found in my vocabulary, much less my life.  When I finally hit the rock hard bottom and there was nothing left to do but climb up or die I decided to live.  I decided to climb.  I decided… making those decisions one little step at a time; making my mind up to be happy and as free from negative influences as possible.  Happiness is not one of those Lies I Tell to Myself.   Happiness feels good and the (recovering) addict/alcoholic me wants to feel that high.  I am not dead.  I am sober and I am happy.    

Happy Trails !!

Trust Your Intuition

Photo: http://katenasser.com/new-leaders-develop-your-intuition/

I feel there are two people inside me – me and my intuition. If I go against her, she’ll screw me every time, and if I follow her, we get along quite nicely.”   ~ Kim Basinger

 When I’ve failed to listen to that “little voice” or the “feeling” that emanates from my na`au (solar plexus)  I can say with certainty that I should have.  “She screwed me every time.”

My ability to make the right decision and do the next right thing is progressing.  My intuition with people has developed  from Life Experiences on so many different levels over the years.  These Experiences also include making wrong choices…  often making those same choices over and over again just trying to get a different result.  That “little voice” would scream NO NO NO NOT AGAIN!  But my will always took place over that voice.  My EGO (Easing God Out) was standing in my own way; blocking my path and the Sunlight of The Spirit.

When things starting clearing up and coming into focus for me I started to really hear that voice and began to listen to it.  Life began to change slowly and with resolution.   Doing the right thing for me is my reality today.  I don’t do the same things over and over again expecting different results.  I found out that’s insanity.

My intuition can tell me when to say yes and when to say no; when to go and when to stay; to think before I speak even if it means biting a hole in my lower lip and to compromise instead of having to have it my way only.  Using my intuition has saved me a lot of grief.  I have opened doors that are beyond my wildest dreams because I just knew to open them.  Other doors have shut.  I haven’t tried to unlock them because I just know they’re shut for good, and that’s okay.  Situations arise where something will be presented to me and I ‘ll need to respondIf it’s someone else’s drama or problem, of their own creation or not,  my sense of knowing how to respond has sharpened.  If it’s my problem I will own it and can usually instinctively handle it without drama or added problems.  I still don’t always respond “properly” but hey, nobody’s perfect.  I’m just striving for progress here and it’s all part of the journey.  Trusting my intuition has increased my potential for living Life to it’s fullest.

Allergic to Assholes

“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.” ~William Gibson

When I saw this quote I had to laugh.  It is SO true.  I can’t believe the times, over and over and over again,  I allowed “Others” to feed me much of the bullshit I’ve bought into in this life.  I have also been one of the assholes I’ve surrounded myself with and I filled my own mind with more of the same. 

It’s all become so clear lately.  So, I’m being much kinder to myself as well as weeding out the assholes in my world.   If I run into one I can usually spot “it” in an instant.  I don’t want them around me anymore.  I don’t want any negativity or drama in my life.   I refuse to buy into these acts and pretend it’s okay when it’s not.  I don’t want any controlling, manipulating individuals in my space.  They are leaving me or I am leaving them; most are gone and I don’t miss them.  They have been let go with love, a big smile and a “hope you find what you need but you aren’t playing with me like that anymore”.   I need my mental health and without that drag on my psyche I am free.  I define myself by a little old DOS acronym.  WYSIWYG.  What you see is what you get.  I also subscribe to this old saying:  “What other people think about me is none of my business”.   It helps to make it even easier to detach. 

Mars Direct..Mars and Chiron..Marsy Me

Julie posted this today about Mars, the red planet; our Warrior planet http://juliedemboski.com/2012/04/13/your-weekend-13-15-april-2012-jolt-human-barometers-and-gravity-x2/ .  She says it’s a bit whiplash-y today and I agree.  He’s been retrograde since the end of January.  Now he’s turned direct again.  I am really feeling the need to move on; to move forward with direction.  Not that I’ve been aimless or clueless.   I’ve just come to another CHANGE in my life.  I’ve had an inner shift that is just starting to settle down.  It feels like I’ve been under water longing for that huge gulp of air I’ll receive when I break the surface.  I’m almost at the top.  I’ve mostly kept my cool under the heat of this warrior and the few temper temper’s I’ve had were cooled down quickly.  I’m learning.

I’m not out of the woods yet but I have a great heads up as my Wise Friend always tells me.  I have transiting Mars in strong sextile with natal Chiron from  Mar 28, 2012 to Apr 30, 2012, no exact.

For this brief period of time, you will become more conscious of the energy for personal transformation and healing in your life. This will likely mean exposing some form of deep-seated pain for the purpose of working through old issues and ultimately healing these issues. During this brief period of time, you may be blessed to provide the impetus for healing to others. You may also feel healing energy come into your life from a meeting with another person during the course of this transit. As another possible result of this transit, issues with ego may come up for you, or issues of self-acceptance versus feelings of rejection. Usually these types of events point to deeper issues which you may not have brought all the way up to your consciousness, but which remain as a source of irritation and frustration operating more or less unconsciously at a deep level of your psyche. These issues may be painful to connect with. But getting in touch with these areas is for your ultimate benefit, for the more integration you can achieve within your psyche, the more whole you are and the more you can bring yourself forward to be of help to other people on the same journey of discovery.

I like this idea of transformation and healing.  It just equals more growth.  It’s here and it’s happening and I don’t have to fight it or be afraid.  I’ve been feeling “deeper, older issues” for a while now.  I’m just having trouble pulling them up and out of the records.  There’s a big pile on top of those issues and I’m digging through the mess.  It’s a “who” not a “what” and there are vague images appearing.  They waver and then fade although each time they are a little tiny bit clearer.   At one point in my life a  little fear would surround this whole issue but I believe I’m beyond that now.  I’m anxious for that old 8mm reel  in my memory banks to start rolling.   Let it benefit this progression…

Here I Am

Dana Point, CA

I am here and where I go I take myself with me.  Isn’t that amazing !  We change locations but we can’t leave ourselves behind.  Well, most of the time anyway. I mean, if you’re astral traveling or dreaming or meditating well yeah. Your body should stay put.  But my body is here. I’m not sure when my mind is, though.

We’ve been on the mainland for almost a month. It’s spring and that means playing with cars and soaking the sun up in Borrego for a couple of those weeks.  We go to a couple of the Woodie shows while we’re here, too. This Saturday is the Doheney show. It’s on my old home turf.  I grew up here.  Now I can get lost just trying to get from Dana Point to San Juan.   I’m so grateful I had this valley and coast to grow up in.  But that was then… and now it seems to be just chaotic.

I wonder if I’ll run into anyone I (used to) know. It’s so funny after not seeing someone for 45+ years and all of a sudden there they are (as in above because they took themselves with them). Of course I don’t recognize anyone because they’re all still 18 in my mind so it’s a brand new experience with the same players in a different time. Some have changed their names, their games. built their lives and are now enjoying the journey.   Some others are still playing kickball on the playground.  It’s interesting to see how many are still kicking at the same old dead deflated ball. It reminds me that we all have our path, we all have our choices. Conscious decisions can be turned into reality. Whether that reality is good or bad depends upon the decision. And yes, we can always change our minds to re-create. That’s a good thing.

Spunky Is as Spunky Does

Spunky’s Menpachi

Spunky came over yesterday morning and showed up again today.  When she’s like a tornado on a railroad track her mind becomes so focused she’s either extremely IN THE BOX with the lid on or she’s so OUT OF THE BOX it’s hard to comprehend how she’s reached her conclusions.  ADD and brilliance shake up to become a dynamo of energy.  I watch her spin, go, do, RE-DO, re-think,  and pray that she’ll come out of this one a little more enlightened to LIFE ON LIFE’S TERMS.

While contemplating my role as Mother in this continuing saga of my adult child I’ve come to conclusions I don’t really like although they are necessary for her growth as well as mine.  We are joined at a level that runs so deep in our souls.  I believe we have been doing this dance for eons; watching it change, grow, evolve.  I also believe it is time to make a move to start the healing at a level I can’t even really understand at this moment.  I just feel it coming on.  Changes are in the air.  The interesting thing is that I know she is feeling it, too.  We are  “on the same wavelength”.  These changes are good, healing and pure.  I know we will flow through our transition and come out the other side closer than ever but with a better understanding of each other.   Without change there is no growth and without growth their is no change.

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